Deceivingly Demure...a shadowgirl's mind + times

How My Eyes Have Shone

2006-04-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe at the end of the world, I'll have someone to hold my hand as the sun falls away and all the sky becomes burning night. Someday soon, I'll be able to wake and feel warm and strong arms around me, to know there is a heart beating so closely to mine...it beats for me. What wonderous words love can provoke in the soul, in the mind, in the fear and soul of salvation of anyone. I feel my eye lashes beat soft air against my cheeks and all time slows, the day is long and bright and lonely. He's somewhere deep inside - but I need to reach him soon. My heart feels like it beats with the entire weight of the world laid upon it - it strains for it's fullness and further anticipation. My life is not perfect - I don't reach for perfection - I reach for protection of heart and of soul. I havn't searched for, but rather found the Golden Bird of Destiny sitting outside my window, so softly cooing. My prayers, I send to the sky, I send to the moon and the sun - they return in full glory sometimes that shows me that life is true and wonderous.I need to know that life is worth living and truth actually lives the way it should. I need to know that when I die, Ive lived the best life I could have ever of chosen. My life, so far, has been a test of my spirit, a trail of sadnesses and unsumountable pain - but Ive come out on the other side and my eyes are still shining. I can still feel love - can it feel me? Please let me see the falling stars as a tribute to love, life and the promise of possibility.

Introspective Allegory

2006-04-07T16:19:00.000-07:00

Possibility springs many thoughts to mind - in my mind it brings hope....

On stopping at the edge of the river, she peered into its clear and rippling surface. She sought to understand love and the fear she felt that this beginning would not come to fruition. She feared possibility, she feared her own day dreams; now stemming from keen advances of an enlightened soul. On the brink of disbelief she lies. How could someone feel as they say without ulterior thought? The whole world does not want to hurt you, she reminded herself, even though that’s what you’ve learned and been taught. There is room for dreams and wishes. All life is not common sense and planning. Such melodies she listened to in the dark become more fruitful and somehow, though inconceivably, she didn’t feel so alone. Her thoughts wandered in a dream-like web to fall upon wishes for the future. There will be a time when your heart will sing of love when the once comes along that can hear your soul, she thought.
There is no room for darkness in the place you to long to be. When all my thoughts are filled with sunlight and green grass, there has to be a reason. The wind blows stronger today than any other day that came before it, and the touch of the sun seems more loving than her rays have ever allowed. Sometimes it takes another soul to awaken another, is it so today?

...and through my eyes i dream...
.........................
.............
......
..

The Glory of the World

2006-03-11T09:50:00.000-08:00

When all the World was new, with no headstrong creatures to disolve its natural beauty andfill it with synthetic materials and pollution...the whole world had glory, and not just its select parts.

I think about all of issues surrounding life and love and nature and pollution and death and animals...its just all so much to think about and be concerned with. Many people fill their minds with their own tiny little spinning world and not an ounce about anything that isnt self-centered. Theres a giant hole in our protective coating that is the O-Zone layer, the US is at war for no other reason aside from money and oil, in Ghana children are dying of hunger and disease while people the US are obese and wont help themselves. There are so many issues and so much sadness to always be mindful of it, we're only human. But I just think that we need, as a whole, to think more globally and less "me". Of course, people have been saying this for years, and yes, most of those that hear it don't retain it or act on it.

Thinking less about sadness and more about beauty, and the beauty of our surrounding world really helps to cut through the madness of modern life. In a habitat no longer of trees and moss and flowering plants and born into a world of steel and glass and smoke...we still belong to nature. We depend on it though no one seems to pay attention to that little fact. If only mother nature mattered as much to us as our paychecks...sadly though how can that happen in a world thats just concerned with the next form of technology? But I know when Im feeling stressed out I just lay outside and look up at the sky at twilight where I can see the candy colored sunset combined with the moon shining brightly overhead and I know where my true alliances lie.

"Theres nothing so beautiful as what we did not create..." .. .

From Crib to Casket

2006-02-27T15:55:00.000-08:00

The funerary services in our country ((for the most part, with small exception)) prey on grief, unpreparedness and haste to make a most profitable business deal from your bereavement. Jessica Mitford's expose, The American Way of Death Revisited, reveals painful truths about death services...

They say that a funeral in the 3rd most expensive thing you will ever buy, right behind a house and a car. The average funeral costs upwards of $5,000 to a middle class family, and many are very much unprepared. Grief does this thing to your mind - you are disoriented, forgetful, unfocused, self motivated, teary, weepy, and possibly near hysterical. Some funeral businesses use this time to serve you as well as extricate money from sad, unwitting pockets,

Mitford's book tells of how conventions are held for those in the funerary business and they highlight business productivity, monetary gain and new innovation ((also meaning higher prices to customers)). Some funeral directors have pointed out that many people use a funeral to atone for any mistreatment or neglect on their part considering the deceased (also known as a decendent). Caskets (formerly known as coffins) are patterned in stategic ways around a showroom or in a catalog in such a way that a salesperson can navigate to higher nd higher prices without giving a visual indication of such. A technique that includes never quoting full price but on time, each price raise becomes "And this lovely model can be had for only $60 higher than the last." And in this way somewhat tricking unwitting and unorganized customers.

However, one must consider that yes, this is a business, but it is a sensitive business to be in and must be treated delicately and with respect for both the deaceased and their bereaved family and friends. Many people have turned to straight cremation with a memorial service after to cut down on costs. With a circumstance like dealing with the dead, we consult those who we hope can help in a depressing and confusing time. Sadly, though most often than not families of a decedent are taken advantage of monetarily and their trust is betrayed. Mitford's book is a look into a world most will never understand, nor hope to become knowledgable about.

the grave's a fine and solemn place,
but none,
i think,
do there embrace.
..
.

Adult

2006-02-21T22:40:00.000-08:00

As another Birthday occurs in my life, Im wondering exactly what being and "Adult" means...

With certain birthdays, certain privilages are given to you. At 13, youre officially a teen, at 18, your body is your own, at 21 alcohol is your own and at 65 youre officially considered a senior. With these ages does more come to you other than stereotypes? Other than burdens? Other than preconceived notions? Today I am an adult, but what does it mean? I sat in my living room doing Algebra homework from class and got mostly anxious, but also expectant. What does this mean?

Well in conventional standards - I can get married, I can be charged with murder, felony and larceny, I can get a credit card, I can file independent on tax returns & I can adopt a baby ((if I lived in Russia)). But on the less conventional side, the more emotional, personal one - what is this? What is my life now, how is it different from an hour ago when I was still not an adult? Do hold more responsibilities than I did an hour ago? Well I still have to get to all my classes, I have to do my homework and chapter work, I have to take showers and eat, I have to sleep and read things, I have to feed my cat and I have to wear socks with sneakers. Does'nt seem to me that Ive gone through a warp thats very different from an hour ago, wow.

Maybe the big deal is that it has been set by my government that Im an adult at this age. They have evaluated maturity in humans, averaged it, and also takedn in responsibility levels and averaged them. Well, the government seems to have made this nicely clean cut for us all. Though in my life Ive met many "adults" who seemed to have it less together than I did at the time. Some people older than I, but who disregarded others feelings and rationality. Perhaps age is a personal thing. If it is, then Im ageless and that just the way I like it.

Its my Birthday and Ill cry if I want to,
cry if I want to,
cry if I want to.
You would cry to,
if it happened to you...
..
.

Window on the World

2006-02-02T21:38:00.000-08:00

As a college student stuck temporarily ((until I get my degree)) in my city, I use the internet as a window to world of International Art and Culture...

I find myself listening to Vivaldi and stroking through files upon files of Italian, German, Roman, Greek and French art. May it be from the 1400's or just yesterday - Im soaking it all up. Im storing all the beauty and profoundity for when I can have another chance to venture forth across our world and gaze upon these wonders with my own eyes. Ive found the web to be a complete necessary when wanting a glimpse of beauty or wisdom. I find out all I need to know by typing in a few words and there it all is, right at my fingertips. When at times I pine for meaning in my life, I look to beauty and I find thats all I need.

"and those who look upon
the beauty of the world with an open and teary eye,
will always triumph in
life, love and perfection of soul..."
.
..

Cultural Capital

2006-01-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

With so many Sociological studies being done on the underachieving minorities of America - who is really to blame?

As a flowering student of Sociological ((its only my minor)) Analyzation, I'm beginning to learn and quickly understand the hidden lines benteath the surface of the polished veneer that is the unstable American social web. In such a "melting pot" as the US, many tensions exist between differing and/or competing social and cultural groups. Many want to look to the minorities and study their educational, medical and criminal records and compare them to those of white descent and ask why.

Cultural Capital;
forms of knowledge; skill; education; and any
advantages a person has which give them a
higher status in society, including high expectations.

Advantageous chains are formed in our society, the US would to be thought of as a meritocracy ((and has said so on many occasions)) though it is not. Who you know, in some instances, will get you father than what you know. Cultural capital is passed over generations in the family insitution through sight, example, mimicry and outreach; the desire and action of a concerned parent for their child. In a home where an example is given to their children of receiving welfare checks, underachieving, in some instances drug or alcohol abuse and no emphasis on success either educationally or by way of a career; the children are brought up with a lower cultural capital and lesser drive for success than a child reared in an educationally driven household. These families usually include working class and poverty level families, putting the upper class and middle class families at quite an advantage.

Cultural capital is seeded and grown, so to speak, through emphasis on education, achievement, art, politics, human interest, career and the drive for personal gain ((most times also at the advantage of groups or other individuals)) and for a small portion, dignity, love and compassion. Not only is it a foundation for a child to grow into a purposeful and driven individual, it also helps establish character and individuality through abtract thinking. In modern times an education is basically all ((with the exception of sports, entertainment and fashion)) that can boost you into a successful and monatarily comfortable position in the career market. Individuals with low cultural capital have been found to not pass through higher education and therefore, the levels of achievement are falling. The groups that have been found to have rampant low cultural capital are those of low class, immigrants and minorities. How can this be changed? How can the institution of family be boosted to do what it's ideal purpose is? As for me, I don't believe so called "Americanization" will fix it. Perhaps what the US wants is not what the world wants, perhaps different cultures aspire to a different gain than do Americans. Maybe we have it all wrong?

Americanize;
To absorb or assimilate into
American culture;
to bring under American influence or control.
.
..

Loss

2006-01-01T22:26:00.000-08:00

At the time of new beginnings - my mind is straying to the people, things and pieces of myself I've lost this year and my whole life...

Dwelling on pain is debilitating and heartbreaking. We do not dwell, or at least we try not to. Our hearts ache and cry and we look for the light to pull ourselves out of the pain. I have lost souls in my life, people have hurt me and used me. People have raised their hands to me and bruised me, cut me. People have hurt my family and torn us apart. The government took my first love and he serves in a foreign country because of a signature and commitment of four years, the permission given by his lost and craving soul. Blood strangled the oxygen from my grandmother's lungs as she died in a cold and lonely hospital room, a desperate delay kept me from showing her a last spark of love before her soul left our world. A disease has distorted my sister's life and may have ripped her ability to bear children away from her. AIDS took my beloved aunt's adopted son from her, our world lost a talented performer, artist and loving son. Quick affliction of a disease took the life of a shining soul who knew nothing in his heart but lights, dancing and beauty. OCD is trying to strip my best friend's life from her; causing her anxiety, fear, sickness, malnutrition and loss of joy.

We and our loved ones suffer through the deepest pains and torrents of tears to keep going on to a further day. A day that we hope with all of our hearts will be the best of our lives, or at least better than the day we're caught in. My heart aches for those who know pain, feel it and are wrapped in it distorting veil. We bare so much, to only have more thrown at us. We are living creatures wandering aimlessly and painfully through our lives looking for love, happiness and a sense of joy and belonging. Some never find it, others have it in the palm of their hands - only to feel the burning when its ripped away from them.

What is life without love? What is joy without loss? What is laughter without tears? What is life but agony, love and rapture? We need so much, only to come up with what we've made or found, can it be enough? Can short joys be enough to conquer all pain? They can if you believe they can...

theres a song thats inside of my soul
its the one that ive tried to write over and over again.
im awake in the infinite cold
but you sing to me over and over again.
-only hope, switchfoot
..
.

A New Year - A New Start

2005-12-31T15:43:00.000-08:00

In only six hours ((Atlantic time anyway)) the year changes, it starts over fresh and new - and with a new number - 2006.

People feel New Years ((or rather the day after)) makes everything turn over fresh, a new year means new beginnings and hopefully prosperous, happy times. I know personally, I always make a wish at midnight that the next year will be better than the one thats just ending. I hope for happiness and love, hope and joy for myself and my family. People for hundreds and hundreds of years have been celebrating this night, mostt recently with champagne, music, paper crowns and a kiss at midnight, ending with the old song "Auld Lang Syne" which means "the good old days".

Here's an excerpt from wilstar.com ((since im biting at the bit to get to some champagne and nibbly food));

ANCIENT NEW YEARS
The celebration of the new year is the oldest of all holidays. It was first observed in ancient Babylon about 4000 years ago. In the years around 2000 BC, the Babylonian New Year began with the first New Moon (actually the first visible cresent) after the Vernal Equinox (first day of spring).

The beginning of spring is a logical time to start a new year. After all, it is the season of rebirth, of planting new crops, and of blossoming. January 1, on the other hand, has no astronomical nor agricultural significance. It is purely arbitrary.

The Babylonian new year celebration lasted for eleven days. Each day had its own particular mode of celebration, but it is safe to say that modern New Year's Eve festivities pale in comparison.

So here's a big New Years Eve kiss from me to you. Good Luck in the new year.

"should auld aquintance be forget
in times of
auld lang syne."
..
.

The Christmas Spirit

2005-12-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

During the Holiday Season, modern girls like myself are trying to find the Christmas Spirit...can we find it?

As I sit looking at my plastic, pre-lit Christmas tree drinking Soy hot cocoa and sucking on a sugar free candy cane I'm thinking about what Christmas means to me, and what it use to hold for me as a child. My family has always meant a lot to me and even though we were never that big, there was always so much floating in my house of love during the holidays. People have traditions, my family does'nt really have any...well maybe like three. We put up a tree, we watch all those 50's clay-mation Christmas movies and we make peanut butter/chow mein noodle stovetop cookie things. I feel like one of those modern/old fashioned girls - i preach gender equality but think families should have dads, moms, babies and an animal or two. I can program a website or a computer, but I love to watch old black and white French movies. I have all the energy saving halogen electric lights, but I perfer candles and lanterns. Do you get my drift at all?

Living in the southern most state in our meandering country that is the United States of Disorder, its very difficult to feel the Christmas spirit. I have icicle lights on my house, but the temperature is 80 with 40% humidity...such an interesting situation to be sure. I've made a gingerbread house ((complete w/ kissing gummi bears and dolphins in a little river)) actually made from sugar cookie dough and hung stockings, put presents under the tree and made some ornaments. So what is missing from my Christmas experience, as it were? Maybe when we grow up, we lose this carefree ideal of what Christmas is. The whispers so that Santa will think you're asleep as you hear bumps and rustles from downstairs. A tear that slips from a hazel eye as she watches what she thinks is Rudolph's nose glide through the sky, a tiny hand pressed to an icy window.

Maybe what we're missing is the expectation for wonderful things to happen. When we were children we just knew that everything would be under the tree that we wanted in the morning. Now, as young adults and adults, we just pray that things might be fixed in the morning, fully knowing that bad things will always happen. But maybe for one night and one day we can push away the truth and realize that momentary happiness and joy is all we have.

...god rest ye merry gentlemen...
..
.

India's Red Light

2005-11-10T09:50:00.000-08:00

Although no one thinks of them, people around the world are stuggling. In India it couldnt get much worse, in fact...

In Calcutta, India holds one of it's largest Red Light Districts. Women sell their bodies and time in their one room hovels on dirty alleyways with just a thin curtain seperating them from their children. For the most part, these women have turned into bitter, broken and emotionless people, much less mothers. Some have husbands, some don't. But for the most part, all of these women have children. These helpless children suffer through poverty, neglect, disease & abuse.

Not many are aware of the global problems people face everyday. Film maker Zana Briski went about making the film "Born Into Brothels" with the intention of showing people a representaion of these womens's lives and trials, while at the same time trying to help their children. (You can find a link to its synopsis and airing schdule here.) During the course of the film, she starts a photgraphy class with a group of these children, hosts a benefit, gets them medically tested, gets them registered, puts them in boarding school and sends one child to Amsterdam for an International children's art conference.

My heart goes out to the individuals experiecing such atrocities in their lives. Their every day is a struggle and a heartbreak. I admire people like Zana who are willing to go out of their way and their comfort zone to try to make a dent in all the suffering in our world.

...you dont have to
turn on that red light...
.
.

PETA - China's Cat and Dog Fur Trade

2005-10-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

PETA is pretty extreme at times, but this time - im enraged.

Help them try to make a dent in this horrid interprise. it seems like one person cant do much with a petition, but thousands can.

Straight from furisdead.com>>>>

"Man's best friend" killed for fur? It's not just a bad dream. PETA recently conducted an undercover investigation into the Chinese dog and cat fur trade to show you what the industry is so desperate to hide. Even our veteran investigators were horrified at what they found: Millions of dogs and cats in China are being bludgeoned, hanged, bled to death, and strangled with wire nooses so that their fur can be turned into trim and trinkets. This fur is often deliberately mislabeled as fur from other species and is exported to countries throughout the world to be sold to unsuspecting customers in retail stores. China supplies more than half of the finished fur garments imported for sale in the United States, so the bottom line is that because dog and cat fur is so often mislabeled, if you're buying fur, there's no way to tell whose skin you're wearing.

PETA went into an animal market in Southern China and found cats and dogs languishing in tiny cages, visibly exhausted. Some had been on the road for days, transported in flimsy wire-mesh cages with no food or water. Twenty cats were forced into a single cage. Because of the cross-country transport in such deplorable conditions, our investigators saw dead cats on top of the cages, dying cats and dogs inside the cages, and dogs and cats with open wounds. Some animals were lethargic or frightened, and others were fighting with each other, driven insane from confinement and exposure.

Up to 8,000 animals are loaded onto each truck, with cages stacked on top of each other. Cages containing live animals are commonly tossed from the top of the trucks onto the ground 10 feet below, shattering the legs of the animals inside them. Many of the animals we saw still had collars on, a sign that they were once someone's beloved companions, stolen to be made into fur coats.

To watch this shocking and exposing investigation video,
please visit furisdead.com
..
.

Corsetry

2005-09-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

Corsetry is not only a centuries old waist binding technique - its now become a cult phenom.

Back in the day, women use to bind their torsos with metal, fabric and animal bone rods - commonly known as boning. They sculpted women into waspy little pixies, their forms contorted into their most womanly and beautiful. Unfortunatly, extreme corsetry had a price. The forcing of organs and tissues to contort and move sometimes proved to cause fainting, breathing difficulty, permanent bruising of skin and organs, black-outs & miscarriage. It also forces the spine to straighten and become a little more strong ((the effect is only lasting when the corset is taken off when corset use becomes daily, and with time)). Starting out in deep corsetry with an already straight and tall posture makes it a whole lot easier to makes the transition. Corsetry forms your body to a state where the spine will always be forced pin-straight. Though it seemed the physical penalty for the fashion was high, it didn't stop women from indulging in cinching their waistlines to the un-natural yet beautiful extreme. With a steel boned, triple stitched corset a woman could ((and still can)) take a natural waist of thirty inches, to one of only nineteen.

Today, however, some women still carry on this art-like tradition. It seems as if there has been a recent resurgence in the interest toward corsetry and the look to be had from it. Mock-corsets hang in shops and chain stores, and images of corsets adorn accessories from panties to purses. Corsets can be found in styles ranging from the type worn from many different centuries. From Medieval England, through the Victorian age of England, the 1600's and 1930's of France and all the way to more modern sihouettes of the modern day corset. Though it was once just used as an undergarment, it has now made its way to the surface. It has unwittingly become a beautiful and edgy, indispensible piece of fashion.

I myself indulge in this practice, and with great love and care. What is required to begin to use corsets safely is what is called waist-training. Beginning with softer, less enforced corsets, cinching only a few inches at a time and slowly adding over time. Once comfortable ((as comfortable as bodily pressure will ever get)) and your movements become smoother and easier to do while bound, you can progress to the pvc or steel boned corsets. Slim rods starting at first, followed by thicker and wider ones. As I explain it, it seems like a lot of time to invest, it can be done over a few weeks, depending on how easily one can adjust to the pain.

The pain eventually slips away, where comfort and spinal strength take over. Reports from womens dress makers from the 1600's concludes that some of the women experienced constant states of euphoria. I can only surmise that this was caused by the pinching of certain nerves of the spines or other bodily areas affected by the corsets constant press and prod.

For all the negatives that abound about corsets and their consequences, nothing is as beautiful or feminine in my eyes than a waspy waistline held by silky boned panels of silk.

"You leave me breathless,
You got me helpless,
You take my breath away."
-Queit Riot, 1983
.
.

1,000 +

2005-09-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

My little writer's soul is filled with jubilation; after only having a visit-counter for 2 months I've registered 1,108 hits. Yay!

When I started this blog ((nine months ago)) it was for want of an outlet, and I never thought of sharing it with anyone besides the odd passerby online. Its never quite truly been a blog; which are known for being virtual journals to many web-surfing people. Ive written articles, reviews, url linkings and the ever sparse life updates. This makes me want to wander about further online and read other's blogs. A friend of mine said he hated reading peoples blogs because "Why would I want to know about some random person's life?". And I agree. Knowing someones political, educational, emotional and day to day ramblings isnt very interesting to most, or is it?

I can understand people wanting to reach out to others and know them, especially in such a normally faceless link such as the internet. Apparently this doesnt apply to my blog, which isnt a blog. Well, whatever it is, people seem to dig it. And I dig them for diggin it. :)

"I wanna hold your hand..."

-The Beatles

Poetry: Why

2005-09-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

Poetry is an artform that goes back generations in our species' history...why?

A friend recently brought this question to my mind when he asked it of me. "I always see you jotting down words, why poetry?". Though I do write other things besides, I decided to answer it for not only his amusement, but my own.

Poetry for me is a way to nearly subconciously vent out emotion and turn it into something thats self-enlightening and beautiful. Taking deep or painful emotion and twisting it to something that can either inspire you and other people ((thats the goal anyway)). I write in a tatty looking black paper notebook that has undyed, slightly tan pages. I write nearly at a constant, if I were trapped on a dersert island, it would be one of the things I would want to have with me. As you may notice, I post them fairly regularly on this blog. This is not for want of showing off, but to include them in this assemblage of words, which seems a mirror to all of my thoughts.

A poem is simply this; a group of metered word produced by, and inducing emotion in both reader and author. The emotional imagery ((or any imagery for that matter)) flows onto the paper and something is made from whatever lies inside the authors mind and heart. When children are little, teachers make their students write poetry, haikus and various other word arrangements. This, in a teahcers eyes, enables creativity in the child which will always enlighten them to further themselves. When I was little and one of those ((cough:: slaves ::cough)) students, I remember telling my teacher, my age being ripe old six years old, that she was "forcing our creative hand". I have no clue why that seems relevant just now, with the exception that I still do feel that way.

An article from Answers.com states something I recognize with in a very lovely way;
"In most poetry, it is the cannotations and "baggage" that words carry ((the weight of words)) that are most important. These shades and nuances of meaning can be diffucult to interpret and can cause different readers to "hear" a particular piece of poetry diffrently. While there are reasonable interpretations, there can never be a definitive interpretation."

Emotion is just like words, flowing nonstop through your mind, as they do on the page. Notifying you of pains, needs & thoughts. Some choose to express emotion in different ways other than written word such as photographers and artists, photographers and songwriters. Every being is different as is each expression. Though as for me, I choose poetry.

"The greatest thing by far, is to be a master of metaphor."

-Aristotle, in his Poetics

Untitled -poem

2005-09-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

Untitled -

Whisper allegories to my demure ears,
Press your palm to my heart,
To feel the silent smoulder beneath my flesh,
Try to wake me from the eternal cold,
Of a lonely, desolate purgatory,
Catch the flames from afar in your hand,
To warm me & my caged hope,
Paint visions of the future as murals in my eyes,
Scald my white & icy skin in search of the girl you love. /sept' 10, 2005

there is a time when a struggling heart
tries to find another,
but sometimes...
that other heart is evil.

Kittens & Menage a Trois

2005-09-10T02:35:00.000-07:00

At heart, humans are just lightly more civilized animals. Is there a correlation between animal relationships and reactions and our own?

Today i adopted another kitten ((dont worry, im too young and blonde to be that weird cat lady)) and since I already have another kitten, the ladies at the animal shelter told me to keep them apart for ten days so my kitten Roxie can become adjusted to having another animals smell in her house ((my house, but she is a cat)). But ever being an anarchist at heart, I didnt listen. When I got home from the shelter i put the new kitten Mimi in her carrier in my living room, let my kitten Roxie sniff her for a few minutes, I opened the top of the carrier to let Roxie see Mimi and the let her out. Nifty, huh? ((smile)) Yeah, I guess it wasnt such a great move, but I dont have the patience or time to wait out and do that waiting period-sniff-under-the-door crap. But in experiencing this I noticed something; my cat is acting like the girlfriend in a threesome tug of war.

When chicks arent too hip to the whole threesome-thing, as it were, theyre a little ((ehh?)) territorial. The Mimi((new kitten)) and Roxie were playing and chasing each other just fine after their first obligatory hiss and growl but then...((dramatic music)) it was time to bring the babies into my bedroom. I laid them both on my bed and Roxie started hissing, as if to say "This bitch is in my house, and now shes in my bed, with my mommy." So I decided to put Mimi into the other bedroom, just for a few nights, until Roxie stops having mommy-bed-anxiety.

Instinct; n
1. An inborn pattern of behavior that is characteristic of a species and is often a response to specific environmental stimuli.
2. A powerful motivation or impulse that reverts the brain to a more animal-like state.

It just screams "insecure girlfriend in an uncomfortable sexual situation" to me, but then again, i think in extremely Lateral patterns. When forced into any extreme situation, humans will always ((though mostly its subconsciously)) revert back to their more primal side. Instincts kick in and its a little hard to think like the girl who wears Gucci shoes and always dots her i's. If a non-liberal woman is thrust into a situation where it seems as if her love, relationship ((& mate)) are being threatened, she'll react the way shes been programmed to; adversely.

Now as much as the combination of the words "kittens" & "threesome" sound much more like a sexual innuendo than words that are being included in a possible scientific theory, im holding to this theory. This has sparked my interest to delve futher to the animal mind of the human. Now if only I could test it...

shes got
cat-scratch fever...
meow-weow
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Phrenology Quackery

2005-09-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

Back when the world was a tad younger, a head could be read ((or its bumps, more specifically)) in order to find a person's character and mental capacity...

Around 1800 the German scientist Franz Joseph Gall ((quite the...suggestive painting, do you not agree?)) paved the way for a mental defining science he dubbed "Phrenology". Basically, a person's bumpy little skull was felt, and depending on the size and shape of protuberences therein you could be appraised for mental capacity, mental stability, nobility, character and creativity. Since then, Phrenology has been refuted as not having credible foundations, nor the research or scientific backup to prove its factuality.

However, I do think this topic deserves a bit of a whirl. If indeed a persons skull could be read to figure out how the brain beneath reacted, wouldnt it be lovely? This also goes along with English forensic scientists theory that criminals could be put into profiles based on physical appearance. If a man had a more animalistic or "apelike" appearance, he was dead panned as a criminal or as being socially unacceptable. Since then, that theory too has been dispelled as false. So can we, or the scientific minds of the present and future ever fit behavior to physical form?

The griding of Phrenology has seven basic groupings; animalistic, moral, perceptives, domestic, aspiring, refelctives and perfecting. In these groupings were other sub-groups, all defining different human characteristics, emotions, abilities and thoughts. I do not think that Mr. Gall had successfully mapped this out from the start. Where are the corresponding lobes of the brain? Perhaps it might have been a good first step to align said groupings with the lobes of the brain and the mental pathways they controlled before delving to classify parts of the skull as they stand alone.

Later in that decade, Phrenology tried to make run at America, helped along by Orson Fowler and Lorenzo Fowler when aspiring after Gall, they published the Phrenological Almanac. Many followed this belief and practice at that time, following into the 1940's, including doctors and other scientists. That is until modern day science smacked it's bill of scientific "No Good" straight onto it.

Considering this was 1800 and such scientists were merely slightly more educated doctors ((which was still pushing it, knowledge wise)) how could they have developed something so seemingly complicated with such limited resources? Since that time, other doctors, research scientists and psychiatrists have taken a hand in either debunking or trying to prove the worth of Phrenology, all came up unfounded. Such sciences can be seen as unneccesary, though keys to the personal internal workings of the brain might be seen as psychology milestones. But however intelligent and driven scientists may have been or become, not even a genius can will things to be the way they were not created.

"what?
i dont have a big enough
bump in my 'intelligence' area?
well go get a hammer,
damn it..."
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Apocalypse Now?

2005-09-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

Critics of the Bible and Bible Thumpers alike are saying that both the Tsunami and the recent many life shattering Hurricane Katrina are the first steps of the apocalypse....

Ive been thinking, as most living creatures are wont to do, that I really dont feel like dying. Nor do i feel like centering on death as a negative thing, though i do love a bit of forensic research. People like to talk about "The Apocalpyse", and that we hapless humans have pulled it into being with our sinful lives.

The Book of Revelation in the Bible declares;((Let me just say before quoting ancient words, that I am not mocking, just simply delving on to find understanding.))
"Behold, I am making all things new...I will give freely to him who is thirsty from the spring of the water of life 21:6. He who overcomes, I will give him these things. I will be his God, and he will be my son 21:8. But for the cowardly, unbelieving, sinners, abominable, murderes, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolators and all liars, their part is in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, whish is the second death... Fear the Lord, and give him glory, for the hour of his judgement has come..." So in retrospect to reading these words i am to assume, anyone not believing in God shall have theirs souls stricken from existence ((the second death)) when he basically cleans the world of all the immoral.

I think like most reasonable scientific minds do, Im not one to follow the Bible as if it were my end all and beat all Guide to Life. If the Apocalypse is coming, it has do with the eventual break down of all that is material, just reasonable decay.

However, i do not believe the Apocalypse is hovering over our "sinful" heads. Natural disasters occur, and have occured in the past, and we are still breathing and living on our little floating Earth-Cake in the stars. Other noted times where the people cried Apocalypse were El Nino, The Black Plaque, AIDS Outbreak in the 80's & 9-11, not to mention further that there have been more incidents than these alone. When you search "Apocalypse" on Google, you receive 4,670,000 results ((add 1 more shortly after i click "Publish")). These results all too fully prove that this notion is quite deeply rooted in our world's thoughts.

I pray that all too soon people will come to the knowledge that though terrible things do happen in the course of time, life will continue to go on. Now if only I could smack it into the heads of those Born Again Christians.....

"He who desires,
take the water of life freely..."
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The Rambling -poetry

2005-09-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

The Rambling

Cry to the rambling of life,
Hold near the possibilities of the soul,
Overcome + walk on,
An untouched girl?
Wake to tears of angels,
Rain pounding the spirit,
Numb dolls kick at the world,
While creation sighs,
And threatens to snap,
Golden threads in fate's glistening web,
A snip away from darkness,
Weep to me of your soul,
So far from grace + yet startling pure,
So quick your moments of clarity,
Rambling birth to rambling sky,
All back again and just in time. aug 25, 2005

and now we see the end
of the beginning...
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Monuments + Melodies

2005-08-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

I miss my best friend Bitty, this is the song she chose to be ours.

Monuments + Melodies by Incubus

my hands are trembling
and my eyes are on fire
this house is crumbling
left brain, left out, on the wire

you make me happy
you magnify my better half
you make me certain
though all i have today is your photograph

my past is perilous
but each scar i bear sings
monuments to where i have been
and melodies to where i am going

you make me happy
you magnify my better half
you make me certain
though all i have today is your photograph
when will i see you again?

still life can only go so far
i need you in front of me
saying my name
saying to me, saying to me, saying to me i
want you the way you are.

love is never transient from you...

in wanders ever near

to your heart,

as you ramble through the world.

Gentile Demons - poem

2005-08-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

Gentile Demons

Bruding alibis in the night,
To complete the circle,
Ive been away with demons,
By the light of the moon,
As long as you dont know,
All the world is safe,
Ive abandoned all reason to banish the boredom,
If it wasnt this it would be another,
Is it naivete or do i just not care,
The harming ones that hold me in their arms,
That see me in such perfection + beauty,
Ive been taken my demons,
Night after night,
Hungry lips on my body,
Needing me,
As I feel the numbness creeping. 3 aug-05

spoken word
shows my cracks to all the world....
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Lusty B♥tch

2005-08-11T13:08:00.000-07:00

At a party last night i get tapped on the shoulder and was given this string of words;

"You are one lusty bitch, lift it and kick it."
This bloke happened to dig me, it seemed, and asked me to"lift it and kick it" meaning what i can only decipher as "get away from your friends and well go find somewhere comfy where i can take off your clothes and ravish you." i smiled and did that thing where military people salute each other, but with 2 fingers, all lady-like i can tell you.

i kind of looked away from him and re-joined the conversation he had pulled me from. he kind of tapped me again, but this time on my silk covered tummy...the bloke meant business. i turned to him again and he put his hand on my wrist, kind of pulling at me. i took my hand away and leaned to speak into his ear, but instead he caught my lips and put a hand on the back of my neck. well now, i thought to myself, this lad really wants to "kick it". i pulled my lips away from his and said into his ear ((this time successful)), "why did you just think you could do that mate?" he smiled and said "Youre a chick fit for kissing." Well, these cali boys do seem to know their words to say to loosen the panties.

so i kind of laughed and patted his chest, he grabbed my hand and pulled me to him, putting his other free hand low on my back. no doubt he intended to continue said kissing activity, but i pressed my hand hard against him that was still against his chest. i looked at my friend Dillon as soon as i realized i wasnt going to get the "kick it" boy off of me. The boy realized this also and backed down when Dillon looked at him. He smiled hopefully when he regained a position with his hands a lot farther from my ass.

i saw him a bit later ((having ignored him shortly after the grabbing debaucle)) drunk as a pink bunny on Easter, falling over a chair and landing on the floor, with no grace or beauty what so ever. i found out later in the night that he was an Abercrombie & Fitch model, his face probably plastered all over America, poster boy for the American Dream. of course as you can imagine i got quite the giggle out of it. havnt you?

i just think youre great...

we can f*ck now,

right?

The Lady Is A Vamp

2005-08-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

There have been women in history ((and maybe just around the corner)) who have turned up the temperature and let us all know what sexy is...

May I provide the definition:

vamp -
noun
A usually unscrupulous woman who seduces or exploits men: enchantress, femme fatale, seductress, siren, temptress.
A woman who is given to flirting: coquette, flirt.

So literally, all Ive ever aspired to be. Not that its quite diffcult, a typical vamp profile would include, long flowing hair, deep + mysterious eyes, crazy swing lovely hips, ruby red lips & the mind of a killer with the tact + persuasion of a priest and the vocabulary of a first class courtesan.

Sexappeal isnt just about looking the part, the attitude is all the act, that lust is always on the tip of your tongue, that youre holding the keys and have already let them in. Women are the deepest power in the world ((not meaning men are not equal)), they bridle their intelligence and their beauty to make themselves something to prove their lives by. A little grin, arched eyebrow, flip of the hair and it lets you know they understand their power.

Ive always understood the appeal of a gorgeous woman and ive tried to grow up to be a fitful lady of the world. When we played with our Barbies, and combed their hair and out them in cocktail dresses and made our Ken give them a kiss and a look, we understood sex appeal; mysterious beauty enraptures the world.

pass the glass by her,
you know thats what you want,
give some attention,
a smile down the bar,
run your hand through your hair,
as you stare at beauty,
the femme fatale completed,
more than just a diamond in the rough,
the curve of the lass,
thats just taken your breath away,
and what do you do love?

"Dont you want to play Nicolas?

I wont bite you...

unless you want me to..."

-film, Femme Fatale (2003)

We Dont Like You...

2005-08-08T12:19:00.000-07:00

George Bush has gotten some bad press in the past, VERY BAD, and with good reason. CNN conducted a poll...check it out.

"Americans' approval of President Bush's handling of Iraq is at its lowest level yet, according to an AP-Ipsos poll that also suggests fewer than half now think he is honest. "

Ok, but not that im a bitch, and i know that Bush won a second term, but hes obviously an arrogant one way minded man led on by his father and his puppeteer, Cheney. Somehow i dont understand how so many people can be going back on what they had first decided, you wanted him president, now look what happens. Having an ex-boyfriend, who im still very close with who is a marine and deployed to Okinawa right now, i have a freak out point when i hear things on the news. Bush has told a group in Texas that they need to "make it clear that Iraq is a part of this war on terror, and we're at war." So basically he thinsk were all idiots, do we need another speech about your war on terror, why dont you give us some results and stop killing our boys.

I do believe there are reasons for this war though, but not quite thought through ones. Yes, we needed to help the Iraqi people to get out from underneath Saddam's reign. However, have we brought more negative vibes to ourselves? I know its not our decision and by our i mean you and i and your auntie, the people. Were little bunnies in the cage guarded(?) by a man who cant spell refrigerator.

"Iraq is just a great weight holding

down perceptions of an

economy that is quite robust."

Sample My Goods

2005-08-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

My hist-fiction vamp novel is well on its way, dont you want a bite?

Since, my dears, you are obviously not reading enough ((haha)), im going to put a section of my in-progress novel ((which, yes, has a link in my profile)). Im throwing down the first few paragraphs of it to give you a little hint of my other ventures beside this site. i think youll like it.

After coming across the windblown street she saw the old townhouse eclipsed in the velvety darkness. The street lamps shone their avarice in the night against her pale skin...a reminder of the sun that was no more in her world. Her hard, white hand gripped the train of her soft red, silk gown as the breeze crashed cruely against her. Although she felt no discomfort in the cold, a fur lined capelet and muffler adorned her gleaming body.

It was hard to think about the task ahead, though she had gone through this type of scheduled agenda before without a twinge in her morality affecting her. It was this house, this street, this type of night that got to her this time. She dropped her skirt to pull a small leather pouch out of her muffler. Using the thin metal rods duely, she finally heard the metallic click and the door opened to her. With little effort she put away her tools and stepped calmly into the foyer and tapped the door shut. Her skirts rustled sedatly as she climbed the dark staircase, her nocturnal eyes seeing more clearly than in the light. When she reached the door she took a slient breathe before silently slipping in among it's living occupant.

She released the pin from her hat and set it on the dressing table along with her muffler. She stared at these items and dropped her gaze to the breathing lform that lay upon the bed in slumber. Never to awake, how familiar, she thought. She sighed sweetly as she lowered herself onto the bed's edge and placed a white hand on this living thing. How it pulses even as it is lost to consciousness. She slowly pulled back the counterpane and sheet to reveal the sleeping face of a beautiful woman. So you have been accused of infidelity, how to you plea? No response, as was expected. Well if there is no denial, then there is guilt. She let go of a breath as she lowered her face to the woman's and planted a soft kiss upon her brow before sinking her dagger-like teeth into her warm neck. She drew upon her softly to hear a slight sleepy moan escape from the condemned. How beautiful a flower to wrench from the garden, but things are as they will be. She tasted her victims very soul in every pulse of blood that flowed to her red mouth, the candy of life. She sat back as the blood settled into her being. Staring at the even now cooling and lifeless body. Life was a precarious thing, but ever much so if one's husband has contracted a killer that leaves no evidence of murder.

As she left the townhome she had been raised in, a hundred years seemed as if they had never really passed. And as for the deed she had just played out, the guilt would have to be left for someone who cared and still knew how to lament. And so this is how I introduce you to Clarity Martyrelle, a creature on the edge of life and death...but the bringer of only one.

bonjour fille,

tu devoir sentir peur mortelle

Suspend Reality

2005-08-06T05:15:00.000-07:00

Not surprisingly, your earnest and flippant author is quite interested and involved in body modification and other pain/mod experiences. Body suspension is one such interest of mine...

the human body has a full system devoted just to pain and feeling it, dealing with it, and it runs through other systems as well. Some people push their bodies with pain as a part of their lives. They can include serial tattoo enthusiasts, peircing enthusiasts, extreme body modists((tongue splitting, scarification, saline injection and inflation, implants)). Somethingi have learned about lately ((few years ago)) is hook suspension, also known as peirce suspension and body suspension. It involves piercing the skin deeply with hooks well over((double even)) zero gauge and having the weight of the body supported by several of these hooks, and held by rope, even sometimes moving in circular patterns and swinging.

Pain can transcend someones conscious reality, including emotional ailment. some people use this experience as a sort of "coming of age" type ritual, prove to themselves they can take extreme pain therefore proving that they can tale on the responsibility of life and its various pains. All very symbolic business going on. having had piercings done on myself, many times, i know this kind of release as something positive and calming. while some people are shocked that a human being would choose to subject themselves to what would seem to be the thing we should avoid, mind bending physical pain, i encourage new ways of feeling emotions and physical responses in myself and other people.

Biology lesson; When the nerves in the body are given too much to deal with at one time, the body goes into deep shock((this happens everytime the body is injured, though the smaller the injury, the smaller the period of shock. which can make it hard to notice if its a split second)). When the body is in a shocked state, the mind works in kind of a safe mode, gently meandering through emotions and actualy physical feelings, until it can work out the pain and send it to the brain to work out. people during and after suspension have noted that you feel away from your body,out of touch and calmly, yet brightly centered.

masochism is another thing to touch on quickly, the reversal of the toles of pleasure signals to the brain and negative, painful signs to the body. it provides in the affected a sort of altered life reality from others, pain is positive and pleasure is middle ground. adding extreme pain to a masochist can result in different reaction and emotion than any average human. it can be spiritual, serene and may even give them the feeling of normalcy, which they lack in everyday meanderings.

now being a pocket dictionary on alt things and tendencies, i can see myself doing this one day. when i have decided that my body is completly only temporary and only useful when it is used. we hold onto our inhibitions and file down prgrammed paths; pain, bad. pleasure, good. cant both be good and uplifting?

babies found her
red devil.
oh how that needle shines.
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Flawless Machine Grace

2005-08-04T00:50:00.000-07:00

Hippies and kittens both have it down: chilling out and slowing it down. Are we going to fast to remember were alive?

i was reading an article((as if id do anything but)) on how modern americans are trying to optimize their days and make things go quicker and smoother, more stream lined and speedy. now as much as id like to insert a little sickened facial expression here, ill restrain myself. but i do think this is not the best plan. i dont want to "optimize" my life, i want to make it lovely, sexy, smart, relaxing and memorable. not "stream lined and speedy". heres a shadowgirls life: Optimized for the new Millenium; boring wtf. i dont even need to write it out, you know the ridiculousness.

i think people confuse happiness with effeciency. i mean yeah i understand most kinds of businesses require you to be efficent and kind of push the humanity of their employees to a lower level in order for their jobs to function with flawless machine grace. but there lies the loss of life: flawless machine grace. do we want to make our lives about being some kind of together and organized filing robot or about being a living breathing and smiling human being?

machines dont have awesome sex, they dont read mind expanding books, they dont feel the weight of life upon their shoulders. i mean if you think about it we medicate our race to be calmer, more centered, and artificially happy versus being their little blippy, anxious, maybe disjointed selves. have we been letting our lives pass us? have we been feeling everything that has been given to us or are we just pushing back our minds in order to reach pefection? where is your life?

id like to think that being in touch with yourself would prevent this from happening, feeling yourself and knowing when you need to take a glance around and recenter. people refer to listening to music in dpeth and centered as vibing. sitting with just yourself and the feel of the music, feeling the rhytmn and becoming quiet inside as they feel the sound of the music. Can you vibe in your life? if not, i think its time you flicked on some music.

where is the lack of humanity,
where is the icy chill?

its coming from the city.
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Famous...kinda

2005-08-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

You know when you have people telling you they rely on your writing daily, youre famous in that internet kind of way.

do you like the new name? i thought it was better than what i had previously "Away in the dark..." im still there, but with a new attitude.

i have a new counter, it refreshes daily, i have all the stats at my fingertips. ive been getting such wickely sweet comments and emails from people giving my site and i much love and adoration.
i really thank you guys for that. if only i ad better publicity. but! i do have an update! if you search "shadowgirl" in google, im the 4th result! yay, so happy. not that being known matters, obscurity is lovely too. so i have an obscure fame, im joyous i tell you.

im going to be featured soon by a gent with a largely visited website, cant wait. when i started this blog, it was to kind of be an outlet, since i hate writing with a pen, typing is so fluid for me. so i started to expand on the internet on the subjects in my little overfilled mind. i guess not only i dig it, but so do you.

watch me as i gravitate,
dont stop get it
hit it
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Perversion Repression

2005-07-30T23:13:00.000-07:00

How far is too far for you?

Perversion ((if youll allow me to give you the exact dictionary meaning)) means;

per-ver-sion;
1. A sexual practice or act considered to be abnormal or deviant.

Were not talking just a friday night required screw between you and a significant other. We're talking raunchy, deep down in your subconscious all out sex. Now, Im by no way saying that ALL people have something perverted they call sexy. I have however, read an article lately by a psychiatrist with a degree in sexual orientation, by the name of Dr. Katarina Leonard. She says ((and i quote)) "Every subconscious has some sort of sexual disfunction or perversion. Disfunction in the way that a singular sexual impulse is not considered 'natural' or something that is commonly done and accepted. Perversion could be anything from wanting to touch and look at someones toes to wanting to be tied up and whipped, and anything in between and above."

So do we all hear that class? All of us have our little odd bits, and so many dont embrace them. But that is another article, from another day. See "Darkness" if you care to dare. But, to go on, Have we all given ourselves permission to do just what is "normal and something that is commonly done and accepted"? When you think of one of your most hidden fantasies, does it make you bite your lip or kind of push it down in fear? Sexual repression is also a common thing among us little humans, it happens when something traumatic has happened in our lives or when we have been strictly guided in a certain direction.

I do not see anything wrong with the words "sexual perversion" they may even light a little fire in my brain. But to you is that healthy or unhealthy. Many health and psychiatry specialist think the way I do, healthy sexual fetish should be followed and explored. Its healing to your mind and soul to be yourself and I think sex, and deepest fantasies are yourself in one of its truest forms.

Love and sex for some people are inextricably linked, which would make it hard for them to indulge in anything they thought was dirty or bad, thinking it would sully the love and care in a relationship and turn it to just raunchy sex. This isnt true, in many cases deep sexual connections mean as much and add as much to relationships as deep love and devotion.

To stray from relationships ((scream)), perversions though they may be, theyre still inside of you and me, and if you wanna live life right, be careful baby, but take a bite.

"come on baby and light my fire, ooh!"

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Abstinence

2005-07-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

Is abstinence from sex + alcohol the best thing to preach to students, and the world?

Youve seen them on tv, the commercials for abstinence, the programs about teen pregnancy and the NBC specials in which teenagers talk about how alcohol went wrong in their lives. theyve always said, "if you dont want to get pregnant, dont have sex". Somehow it think their slogan has turned to a bitter form of reverse psychology. Numbers are up for both teen pregnancy and accidents and fatalities directly associated with alcohol. Maybe they should loosen the leash.

My mother always told me to think smart and make my own decisions, meet the right kind of people and be happy. I followed her instuctions ((mostly, no ones perfect)), and things have mostly turned out alright for me. I havnt died from anything alcohol related ((as far as i know anyway)) and ive never had a baby. so maybe i havnt done so badly, but then again i always had a friend and confidant in my mom, does that help too?

Could it be that resctrictions on behavior will make that restricted person want to delve into what theyve been told not to? I have copious amounts of proof on this subject, starting with friends i had growing up. One friend of mine was raised by church extremists, she lost her virginity at 12, started going to parties late into the night and ended up pregnant 3 times before she even turned 17. Another example, a very dear friend of mine was raised by two loving and wonderful parents, rich and spoiling. They divorced and thats when the problems started, alcohol, drugs and guys. Shes told me before "If my father thought i was doing such bad things + i was getting punished for doing nothing, why not just do what he thought i was doing."

Maybe having lax parents with open minds makes you want to be just yourself instead of trying to make life exciting in the suburbs. Not being too far out of the suburb living era in my life, i can fully understand these little strong willed rule breakers doing what they can to have fun. Im certainly not the one to be preaching perfection, Ive been to parties and drank god knows how much alcohol, but i find it fascinating that so much of our country are worrying solely that little Jenny is going to drink some Jager and get pregnant with Little Billy's baby. Maybe if America's parents werent expecting the worst from their kids, maybe they wouldnt get the worst in return.

and through the night,
the little children run
...away from logic.
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Love

2005-07-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

"Love is not something that happens, its something you do." So is it true?

Ive always thought that just letting relationships happen instead of like looking and fighting for them is the best possible way for it to be destined and true. Versus having it be about desperate and lonely and seeking out someone. Like letting love tumble into your lap instead of running after it. Wouldnt that seem like one of the better things to do? In my opinion, love can't be forced, it cant be bought or sold, its natural and free. When it leaves, theres a little hollow where it lived and nothing is there to fill its shoes...not until it comes back home.

People will give you advice on your relationships, but wouldnt it seem like things would go better if it became something soft and sheltering versus something you worry about? Relationships are already hard enough without having to complicate it by listening to people to worry if certain signs are showing. Im a "live and let live" sort of girl, mostly easy going and open. So i try not to concern myself with trying to worry about too many things. But doesnt it seem as if love and relationships have a way of creeping worry into your mind? You dont want to lose what you have, or make it change, so you worry and try to be better for whoever youre with. I choose to be myself, thats who they fell in love with to begin with, right?

Hippies in the sixties had it right, but not including the drugs. They loved and kept life simple and free. So in a world of over-complicated everything, can we fit in free love too? I think so, and I think its worth a try.

sing a song thats filled
with love, and dont let it end,
for i wont find it again...
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Music as Liquid Emotion

2005-07-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

I love making up new words. But you know what I love more? Music:

Two question you might be asking yourself;
First question: Is she being lazy in posting just lyrics? And the answer is...No, these lyrics are my liquid emotion for today, a lot is on my mind and therefore, I am vegging out with the sweet sound of music. Second question: Has she gone country? Fuck no. That is all. ((insert witty smile here))

Is everthing a bated hook?/
And are there locks on all doors?/
If youre looking for an open book/
Look no further, I am yours./
-Incubus, Southern Girl

Well, you shouldve heard the way/
Ive been talking to myself/
Treating her like common trash/
On the side of the road./
-Mindy Smith, Hard To Know

When the sun comes down/
Will the rain wash away/
All the hopes and dreams/
Into another day, another day?/
As the light pours in/
Feel the volume of the sky/
Mark your place in time/
With another question why/
-Lost Prophets, Sway

Something in your eyes/
Is saying you can ease my heartache/
I have a burden inside/
And I know youre just a stranger/
If you cant, I'll understand/
-Mindy Smith, Down In Flames

In this busy world;
one girl sits and listens.
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Little Girl Lost + other Poetry

2005-07-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

So again I must post poetry, Why? Because I love you, thats why. I know, its shocking but i had to let it out. ((giggling in the corner)) In actuality, these poem-ish things are very dear to me and bring up a lot of emotion, but thats what theyre suppose to do, right?

Little Girl Lost-

tries to make a life for herself,
roaming from bed to bed,
trying to find some kindling flame,
always she finds only ash,
day dreamer with sparkling eyes,
though now that glisten is lost...
+ she has nowhere to go.
((mused by a sketch i drew. Hey, I wonder who this is about?))

_untitled_

i hope for my heart to stop,
if it ever forgets to love,

or the whips of others,
make me not bleed,

where my tears are not shed,
that is no place for me,

i have the broken and teary eyed soul of a lover,

so hold my soul in the palm of your hand,
if you drop me,
we all fall down.

_untitled_

patterned day,
patterned night,
so ravishing a layer,
prim and just picked,
to last for an hour,

sick remedy,
so vile a heart,
love fallen from day,
to so sudden dark.

"sing me something
soft, sad and beautiful."
-existentialism on prom night
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The Thought Provoking Kind of Girl

2005-07-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

Though im possibly not your mama's dream girl, they sure do love me and reading my material. So who am I? What my deal? What the hell is this blog? Im answering you...

Ive received emails and comments lately asking me questions as to my opinions on the articles i write, since most of the time i keep myself on a level playing field as far as my stark opinions. I write articles that are thought provking, or least i hope they are. I write about the nearly taboo, i write about politics and love. Though im mostly conservative as far as monatary and governmental issues go, im quite the liberal little doll. Im pro happiness, im pro sex, im pro gay and pro abortion. I want to write things that manage in at least the tiniest way to make you think what you hadnt before.

"Whats a girl to do when she wants to be a saint and still drink liquer?" _me
Its the ideal that people that make things better, at least in the ways that they can. I want people to be intelligent, caring and happy individual. And hey, it may be a stretch, but id Love to change at least a few people. And if not change them, then enlighten and entertain. Life is worth an analization and a laugh, so why not read my blog articles and do just that?

In a world where guns rule,
a girl anachronism wants
to kiss the population.
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Evolution?

2005-07-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

Has our civilization's inhabitants evolved? Or just our goals and technology?

I was thinking this afternoon as my brow was thick with a hangover((Rum)) about evolution and maturity of our race. I dont mean on a molecular level strictly, but rather the growing and expanding of our minds and self value. As far as gentlemanly courtesy goes, the Victorians had it in the bag. If anything our manners have de-evolved to the point where its nearly semi-acceptable for a guy to scream to a girl at the beach((ie-me yesterday)) things like "hey hot mama, shake it!".

If anything i think our technology and monatary goals have gone beyond social decorum and put it on the back burner. You can always hear people saying "Chivalry is dead." Is that because theres no place for it in a world where people are allowed and pressured to speak their minds? I think theres always a time and place for people to become more animalistic and let themselves out of a tight wound ball of manners and respectability, but have we dropped our defenses way too much?

I like to imagine the world in different phases, and being a complete girl anachronism I like past-tense places in history. Men would tip their hats to ladies in gloves and millions of pounds of corsetry and panties. But in our time a guy noticing a girl walking down the road would be more like a cattle call, with free liquer. In no way am i completly putting down the chaps of this new millenium but have we really become such a wonderous race that we worship muscled and greasy guys in suede chaps versus ad psychology professor who is researching the meaning to life?

"leave me here in
my stark raving sick sad little world"
-incubus, sick sad little world
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Desire....

2005-07-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

how many times during the day do you think of the things you want, the people you want, the places you want to visit? have you ever thought of actually realizing these dreams and needs?

so many people in our world restrain themselves from what they know would make them happy. as im writing to you lying in my literal death bed, sick with a flu from hell, im just thinking oif the things ive wanted in the past but never went through with because of fear or just preconceived notions. you could put together a list of your desires, would it scare you? i know mine wouldnt, at least not anymore, they wouldnt surprise me actually. ive come to terms with all of my little darknesses.

i can think of sitting in a room and having the most wicked of my fantasies fullfilled, as i lay here i do fear it really. but how can i let this one life disappear unlived and unadventured. i want to lay in my "real" death bed and know that i used my life in the fullest way possible. i want memories that will make me blush and smile, and make that little happy noise in my throat. already my crazy memories ((not quite few in number)) sustain me during times of not-so-fun. i can think back on my decisions some were a little scewed, but im alive and sane and better for all my fun.

now im not talking about it being ok for you to go and murder someone because its your deepest longing. but your 'mostly sane' only self injuring plans would seem to be a good plan of action. ive gotten numerous peircings and i am happy with every single experience, even if i have taken some of them out, some were only temporary anyway.

im sort of the "sane insane" girl, tattoos, peircings, suspensions and maybe even indulgent physical bouts with people of the opposite sex, and occasionally the same sex. so id like to go ito a psychologist ((where i am not an uncommon visitor)) and go through a list of things he or she would consider pushing the limits on as far as sanity and appropriate conduct. id like to do it with multiple doctors really to get more of a sampling of information. can you imagine that?

so whose to say that one draw of desire is wrong and another is right? we wont know and you know why? humans are seperate and calculating mammals, calculating mammals that can feel what they want, and not just instinctually. mammals that seek out their desires.

running on the edge of morality?
that seems ok to me, and even memory making.
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Wandering Hearts

2005-06-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

sometimes dont you think about how easy ife would be if you didnt have to search for the perfect love? but what if it was right under your nose, if only you could give it a try?

i think that not everything has to be complicated, but some things already are, for instance;
-love
-money
-life in general

if you believe youve found that person you should be with, then tell them so and try for that love.

small post : big meaning
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Back in the Virtual World

2005-06-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

hey loves - my laptop has been at hospital for the past 3 weeks...but im back, yay. lol

after replacing the harddrive and trying ((key word is try)) to gthost information, no information was found and so ive started witha totally new system. but its ok, i can salvage pictures from my various sites ans of course from friends. but hey - break downs have to hapen every once in a while right? machines and humans alike.

wow - from here things look so new and shiny
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Poetry...First in a Long Time

2005-05-11T00:59:00.000-07:00

for some reason i decided not the go to sleep when i felt that firts touch of tired that calls me to go lay down in my bed with my purring little kitten.

i decided to tie my hair up and lie on my side, like in my sadder days, though pen something different. i had thoughts of my lovely litanies of dusty floors and my eternal wandering girl, the girl who keeps killing herself but keeps being reborn with her memories and still coming back to face her wandering alone and with her pain. that "series" of my poetry i think is done. so i lie down and i began penning and first it was semi sad, and thenit became something new and light. so here is Cami, but Cami in a way Ive never seen, but i realize now...and im happy. but thats the realization...im happy. big step for cami, giant leap for my life.

...and so it has turned.

this is page as freah and new
as blod and quiet
as temperate and hot
ones flaming heart
clipped silently devastated
still page is freah and new
still world turns and there is light
happy is there
as sad as is in a box
though sunlight lift
the moon is there such sheltering dark
as to cover over
and free...though...
the one i know
not only dakr though shelter
but good and a sweet and a a loved and a...
worthy
ambitious i know, has the one
and light unseen has just begun
for now not tearing, weeping and blood
but future and happy and worthy and love. /5-9-05
_____________________________________

though yes it hides.

i try to turn it to darl passion
but only a creeping light comes through
where is the deep pantomime if dark?
where is that tortured art?
down down i fear
down down and hiding
hiding forever?
hiding because...
does it sense some promise
or maybe that i can
though not from gothic view
to sit alone and pine
create that grey facade
does it know know that i know
there is more
more than deep, more than night
is it now somewhere away?
waiting for another turn?
there is something in me larger than it
yes, it knows
so it hides and bides its time
though...i cant help but think
its end is nigh. /5-10-05

so now the pen isnt covered in blood and tears...

its peaceful...

as is the hand that holds it

Mon Petite Belle Chat ♥

2005-05-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

my baby kitten - Roxie Hart ((Chicago the play)) 7 weeks old, awe. i love her, shes wicked.

Dreams of Pain + of Fear

2005-05-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

a lot of people suffer from nightmares and waking dreams, being one of them myself, i thought i would share my unconscious revelries w/ you...

it all started with some harmless dreams of walking up a dusty and dry barren path line with death black trees and into an old white roman-ish mansion. then it began to be that i would walk into the mansion and then the wall would seal behind me and bercome a fireplace. as the weeks stretched on and i began to look around after i would go into the house, guided as if pushed into it, i found that all the wall were fireplaces like 100s stacked on top of each other and covering the walls. the room was so tall and vast that when you looked up, they only would disolve into shadow and i knew that they continued up forever. the ground was covered in silty water and dead leaves and i would always be wearing a long and gauzy white dress with my hair as long asit use to be, past my behind. after a while i wouldstart finding letters and paintings left for me on a mantle or leaned against one of the fireplaces that werent lit. they would be smudged with black soot and finger prints and written in sloopy red cursive, saying things like "i cant wait to visit you and the girls at the mental hospital". thats one ill never forget, and it still makes me cry to this day ((yes im tearing up)).

after about 3 or 4 months of this, i began realizing i was hearing ruffling as of wings above me up high in the darkness. i began hearing a voice in my head, talking to me, telling me how beautiful i looked each night, which was actually day in this world. he would also tease and sometimes be mocking. then he would also be cocky and sometimes cruel, asking me why i was crying after he would sat something that would make me do just that. after a while it was mainly just abusive from him, his voice in my head and me screaming my replies at him from so far below. i would sit on the floor with my knees drown up and lay my face upon them, crying and letting my hair fall around me and drop on the floor, wet and muddy.

one day((night)) he came down a little way, more into the light and i saw that he was this huge gargoyle looking thing, he looked as though he was made of lava rock , that kind of texture and color. he was bald with an almost human face, and huge wings like a gargoyle. he was stooped over, as if balancing the weight oif his wings as he squated, looking down on me. he would never speak, as words anyway. ut always this telepathic voice in my mind, where i would always just use my mouth. one time i do remeber i tried to use my ming to speak to him and laughed and laughed at me.

terrible dreams have always plagued me but in the past 3 years i would say, i have about 6 or 7 a week. sometimes 5 in one night. i shake my self awake and have to go throw up, its not as bad as it once was, but its still intolerable. i have dreams my fingers are on fire and the flames move slowly up my arm and burn out my eyes. its not fun to always wake up in the morning or middle of the night, crying with a severe need to vomit.
ive talked to people, even professionals, about it and theyve always said i let all my anxieties get a hold of me as i sleep since im a surpresser ((i keep all my negative emotions inside and imm the strong one for everyone who needs me)) i know that i may be hurting my self, but how can i make it stop? but heres another question, in a wierd way, would it make me a different person, would it take my tortured need to create art and written word? and if so, would i really want to make it go away?

ahh...

the beautiful pain of artistic

torture and deviance

My -In Progress- Novel

2005-04-26T03:06:00.000-07:00

hello my darlings - busy busy shadowgirl just popping in to make an update.

i thought id link my novel, since i tell people about it, though no one takes the initiative to find the link in my profile. lol. no worries, im always up for linking and such things.

so here it is -> http://shadowgirlthehuntress.blogspot.com/

my influences are obviously Anne Rice and Ayn Rand - though i can say that i only take some form of Rand's trite reality to my own pen. I have always loved dramatic yet passionate works of writing, and Rice has always pleased me ((though not with "The Violin", ick)). I have been writing stories and poetry since i was little and entering contests and things. I have even been thrown out of two contests for what they called "lustful writing characteristic of an older author" bullshit i say. i guess theyre just afraid of pretty girls who can wield a pen and who wear knee high leather boots. lol
i really and honestly hope to one day be a published author, and have my name immortalized in the minds of those who would read my words. though as it comes now, i have only so far about...1/6 of a book, and therefore i trudge on in my pursuit of written fame.

and they said only movie

stars are dramatic,

hah!

A Human Condition

2005-04-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

there are tons of traits + emotions that make up a human...we love and we enjoy things, we hate things, we can be dishonest, some people decide to kill others, while others save lives everyday. what makes a person who they are?

some people will tell you that all abused children will have emotional problems that will make them a person who falls to the negative side of things. i dont think this is mostly true. i have known many people who were abused physically or emotionally((include me)) as children and some are the best people i have ever met. so can anyone be any type of person?

i believe in existensialism see my past article "the overuse of the word 'existentialism' " . meaning you know, you control who you and you are what you make of yourself and choose to be. though in some areas i cant hold this to be true. with all the information we have on genetics, existentialism is sort of just like a part of who you are, the rest is genetics and environmental circumstances ((i.e. - a person who was raised in the Bronx, NYC will not speak or act the same as a person raised in Dallas, Texas)).

i do think however that we control our general personality and dispostion, also our view of life ((neg or +)) . i can walk down the street smiling or i can walk down the street scowling, but i find smiling to be easier, plus its amazing how much smiles can brighten things up, even other people. for example, at work i smiled at one of our drivers when she was a little frustrated and upset, she was fine for the rest of the day. all it takes is a little bit of positivity. now we all know that i am definatly not Miss. Sunshine however, lol.

what i am saying is that the parts that we can control, we should try to make the best, learn all that you can, love all you can and try to be the best person possible. i have not had the best or happiest life, but i can change how my future falls if i try to for those things.

so what makes a human? perserverance
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Pin-Up Shadowgirl - Me ♥

2005-04-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

just your shadowgirl trying to be Pin-Up / haha

Music for the Soul -

2005-04-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

i love music, and so do many other people. so we listen because we love the lyrics, or the music, or both?

the answer for me is both, i love touching and awesome and angry and wierd and lovely lyrics, but you dont have an awesome sound to put with it, ill kick yah. lol. i like posting lyrics, because they can show my mood perfectly at the moment, whether is be sad, or dreamy or just lulling.
i listen to music to calm me or to make me cry or to carry a mood for hours. iahve playlists that are labeled "chill" or "rock it" and also "kissing" ((the "kissing" list is like acoustic love songs and just generally loveish sounding songs)). i find that if im sitting in my car i can get agitated by music really easily, so gernally it has to be loud and i have to sing along, lol. so again, heres some lyrics ((hey, at least you got a little bit of an article))

'Sing me something soft
Sad + delicate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything
We're glad for what we've got
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us' -Straylight, Existentialism on Prom Night

'Let me understand
Drifting down a silent path
Stumbling over land
Open your heart to me
Show me who you are
And I would be your slave' -David Bowie, I Would Be Your Slave

'Golden midnight,
Taking us across the water
Holy love sing
We're falling close in every other
As dawn breaks I wonder
Suns growing old
Ours is not to wonder
To never grow old' -The Cure, Ariel

ok, i swear after this i will not post any more nearly entire lyrical posts, lol

i promise !!!
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New Look!!!???

2005-04-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

yes, ok we have a new look cuz my trig menu wouldnt come up from the bottom of the damn page.

so i banished the all black ((but this means i have to go in and change my pert color from red to something else)) do we like the wierd dots? lol

yay - its prettiful

Tasty Words.....

2005-04-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

ok so i know i have been neglecting my lovely blog, but ive been kind of enveloped in my myspace thingy.....dont worry this isnt the end of "Away in the dark", cuz i wuv you.

so i dont really have any good ideas for articles or entries or whatever....so how about....lyrics??

'Im glad I didnt die before I met you
Now I dont care, I could go anywhere with you
And Id probably be happy
So if you want to be with me
With these things theres no telling
We'll just have to wait and see' -Bright Eyes, First Day of My Life

'A dream comes true
You want to touch me
But you cant get through
I walk on water and I dont get wet
Ive got something you wont forget" -The Cure, Im A Cult Hero

'Safe to say from here, youre getting closer now
We are never sad because we are not allowed to be...
To lie here under you is all that I could ever do
To lie here under you is all...' -Breaking Benjamin, Rain

'You didnt seem to mind
The awkward ways we meet
First comes heavy breathing
Staring at the ceiling
What will happen next?' -NFG, I Dont Wanna Know

Music is tasty....yum yum.

((night night)) :>

The Art of Seduction?

2005-03-28T12:32:00.000-08:00

so all our lives our mom, aunts, friends, cousins have been telling us that we need to "play the game" with men in order for them to want you. do we really need to play games to find love & sex?

i believe in being myself & finding friends who are like minded and hanging with guys like are intelligent, funny & sweet. my mom has listened to me on the phone as im talking with a guy im sort of involved with ((that stage before hes a boyfriend)) andshell make faces and shake her head, when i would get off the phone she would be like "cami, how do you expect to have a boyfriend when you talk to them all wrong." firstly id liek to say that my mom is an old-school dater. though she looks like a barbie doll and likes to wear modern clothing, she is old school with guys. she just flutters over them, smiling comstantly, complimenting them, PLAYING WITH THEM. see, i could never do that, id like to be able to get someone to love me because im me, and thats all theyve seen. versus me being as nice and sweet and maliable as can be. ive never had trouble with guys, so i like my method of just being myself, it seems to work. lol

In Cosmo magazine ((which mum purchased especially for me, i guess she thinks my man recession is harmful to me)) they said that "women are taught to be polite, hygeinic and possibly even funny, but never how to seduce a man" and then they go on to teach you exactly that. :: puzzled face :: wellll......i dont dig that. im not chill with Cosmo ((which has been getting away with pretty much running the same 20 articles over and over again for about 30 years)) telling me to wet my lips more and to be overcautious about how my fucking hand rested under my jaw as i giggle fakely at some poor man whose drooling over "my charm". here is my final say about this topic: If a man needs too much flattery, a girl with the perfect body + hair + makeup, then you should consider breaking his legs and running off with your best guy friend.

If I can get a guy to take my number when im wearing no makeup, wearing pjs and my hair is just pulled up quickly and not even bothering to place my hand perfectly under my jaw, then we dont need Cosmo telling us to wear red lipstick for seduction and pink for when we dont want them ((what???? i know, i have no fucking clue either))

Cosmo can kiss my pretty
little feminista bum

FallOut Boy / Midtown Concert rocked!!!!!

2005-03-26T01:28:00.001-08:00

YEAHHHHH RAWR!!!!!!!!!! :: jumping ::

i love music, and i love friends and i love being happy and having something to do. wicked awesome concert tonight.

ZE LINE-UP>>
~ Gym Class Heroes ((ehh?))
~ The Academy Is... ((yay!))
~ Midtown <<< style="color: rgb(102, 204, 204);">FallOut Boy <<< WOOO! IT was so fun, we got merch bags after the show, and then Micky D EVILS ((mcdonalds)). but im sum: loads of music filled fun and tons of screaming/singing/jumping/dancing/sweating. hahaha

/KEEP QUIET/
/nothing comes as easy as you
/can i lay in your bed all day?
/ill be your best kept secret
/and your biggest mistake/
-FallOut Boy:
Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

The Internet is Amazing ~

2005-03-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

this is so so so very awesome -

so as we all know, i moved from cali in feb of 2002 and its really hard to keep in touch with people when youre all the way across the country. well a friend of an old friend of mine ((known her since 4th grade)) saw my profile on myspace and linked it to her. so jackie opens up the link and goes "how do i know this person?!" so she messaged me once she figured it out and now im going to hang out with them today at 2 i think. Friday is the FallOut Boy concert and jackie is pulling along loads of people, lol. its going to be crazy. im so happy. she was like "this is the most amazing thing the internet has done for me!". i agree! yay! haha

in other news - its quite gloomy and cold and rainy. im in my room and im a little bit cold, but nothing emough to compel me to put a sweatshirt over my pj pants and tank.

SeventhHarmonic is this crazy goth/ryth band from southern ireland. a friend i have in england sent me the songs and they are insane, so much going on at once. theres a bass line, 2 voice lines and 3 rythm lines ((but it is a goth/ryth band)). you can get to their site by clicking on the link i stuck in the bands name above^^^

/2 steps forward/
/and 2 steps back/
/we feel the pain but dont turn back/
-seventh harmonic

Emergency Romm Mayhem!!! (now w/morphine)

2005-03-22T20:12:00.000-08:00

oh jesus - i truly hate modern medicine.....doctors who dont know shit suck ass....

on Friday, which i believe was the 18th, i went to the hospital at about 12 noon for this sharp terrible pain in my lower stomach/side area. you could press on the area and it was like a hard thing, so naturally i was freaked out. so we went to the ER.....and ended up eing there for 14 hours. and yes it sucked, especially since they did what they did. first i was subjected to the normal pee-in-a-cup test, then a pelvic exam, then a fucking rape-probe-sonogram. then they made me drink this whole pitcher of metal tasting liquid and then lay in an MRI and then they injected from this mechanical arm swinging out from the MRI machine this really really hot cleat thick, sticky liquid into my IV that made my fingers and clit go numb (yeah, my clit, i was about to hit someone).
the whole time being there, i was angry. the doctors didnt tell me what was going on, i was still in pain, they kept trying to give me damn drugs, which i dont take. so anger and pain and vaginal violation was pretty much the theme of my 14 hour ER stint.
those bastards - really, i was ao angry. so anyway, im still in pain, i got nothing good out of my visit besides nausea medication (always nauseous). they dont know whats up, and they dont care really.
so anyway, on a lighter note - im going to the FallOut Boy Concert this Friday at Soma. yes, i am very happy. and i cant wait. itll be much fun. also on another god note - i love sushi like it was my own child. lol ((yeah i dont have children)) later my people.

morphine can kiss my ass...
actually it made me fall ON my ass
hahahaha

Grab Some Green Beer, yah B*tch

2005-03-17T23:20:00.000-08:00

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!!!!

for those of you who are not irish, and dont know about this irish holiday, it isnt just beer drinking day. it is the day celebrated by the catholic and protestant church in ireland when St. Patrick drove the snakes that were causing trouble and evil all over the island, OUT of ireland. and so there much feasting and dancing and cavorting, and yes, berr drinking. BUT - saint patricks day is primarily a CATHOLIC HOLIDAY ((ooo beware)). so it def cant be just about beer, mreh.

oh another note, im sleepy. i had a job interview at kava kai, its a hawaii based coffee shop ((meaning it weas first a coffee place in hawaii, oo la la. so i luv the manager, although hes leaving, so im sad, but im sure all the other employees are disco too. yay! i hope i get the job!

wow, so tired. i know words you never thought i could say. yepp, ole shadowgirl is sleepy BEFORE 3 am. wow, freaky. check yah later and HAPPY HANGOVERS!!! hahaha, i win.

i WUV coffee!
And so will you!
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A Shadowgirl's -French- Eulogy

2005-03-15T01:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, so we all know i havnt yet died -thank you gods-

-but as i have found my new best friend in my beautiful online translator, i was playing around with it, and i got poetic....so here is a eulogy, pre-mortum...

noirceur fille - artiste be las etre - le fille anachronisme

une gens intelligents classe de femme. demoiselle de grand amour et une coeur blesse. poetess de grandiose ame et obscurite epaisse. yeux brillants de le plus rebelle seduire. une secularie ferveur boite pour boisson etre trouve, si tant voulu durement assez, interieurement elle yeux.

Translated to English -
shadowgirl - artist of the soul - the girl anachronism

an intelligent type of woman (used by age old royalty to explian suitably intelligent women who they could give information to more readily than other women not bearing this compliment). daughter of [best] love and an aching heart. poetess of grand spirit and thick darkness. bright eyes of the most defiant allure. an age-old fire can be found, if desired deeply enough, inside her eyes.

so there is my litte self involved poetry peice. i was just playing around with words and trying to fit the most beautiful french words and pronunciations into a little wordplay and miniature egotism, lol. oh yeah, and did i mention that before this i watched a long ass un-translated french film?

benir tes gentil, gouts simples!
(bless your sweet, simple souls!)
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Live CDs = Tears

2005-03-14T00:36:00.000-08:00

im listening to the "Anywhere But Home" Evanescense cd that my sister left at my apartment when she left tonight....frankly, im sadly not impressed....

but im notorious for hating live taped music. it frustrates me because you cant hear with the clarity you can when its studio recorded. most of the time the siners also suck it because in the studio they edit out every minute yuckness from the person's vocal talent, not in Amy Lee's case though - she is such a powerful and beautiful singer. being trained in singing, i can fully appreciate the pain which comes along with getting your voice to the place where power length doesnt make you want to cry. singing, and singing good, should make your body hurt....no joke. but im hearing some songs ive never heard, and she talks to the audience which i like to hear. but anyway...

there was this documentary about hookers in the Bronx, this one blonde rocker looking chick is telling her story, she thought she had a really bad bladder infection during a night of working the street and f*cking nasty guys, but she found out that morning SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH to a baby she didnt know was inside of her. the whole time i was watching the abomination that was the dirty hookers i had my face all squished up in discust and empathy. what would drive a woman to do that to herself? is it just being lazy, being low class and with no moral judgement?
well lets just hope they try to fix their lives and not get killed, right?

manga rocks your mama, im steadily getting addicted to manga and japanese styled comics. and ::gulp:: i have a Princess Ai poster in my room. oh god, please dont stone me. lol at least it keeps my mind of the dirty deed, right? hee hee ::bites down on finger tip::

i love having my nails black
:: happy glow ::
- did you like that meaningless bit of random?

Pointless Rambling

2005-03-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

Wow - this really is the most pointless post i have ever made...ENJOY!

im so lazy...ive been "busy" reading webcomics like a little child and thinking that i may break out of my apartment and do something worth my while. tonight i think ill run ((not really run, i dont exert myself unless im blading or...well another thing...anyway)) over to my friends house, so i can actually breathe.

its so funny to me, because there is a type of manga/comic thats called Yaoi, ok. so yaoi is like male homosexual relationships and sex inside of whatever plot they follow. but 97% of these Yaoi professional/hobby is made by older teen girls to midthirties women. yes, gay comics drawn by WOMEN. i think its so amusing, but i do have to say, yaoi is pretty sexy. not general gay porn, but this is drawn and painted art. and i think its lovely. but you know me, im like a hippie -im pro love for EVERYONE. except yucky molester people.

hey you think if Hitler got laid on a regular basis he would have ochestrated the Holocaust? i dont think so. ((well maybe yes, but shut up))

my little sister, who is shockingly young at a meager 11 years old, told me (as i was explaining a horribly scary movie in my low and calm/jaded voice tone) that i could explain anythin or tell someone anything and theyd remain calm, because apparently, i am a calming person. true, im not a boppy, peppy, sugary person. im sweet, im nice and loving but not sickeningly like most chicks. ack. i think im just jaded, but whatever. my voice isnt ALWAYS monotone, and i do laugh quite a bit, lol. ((yeah i actually did laugh just then))

last night i think my mother called me weird and i said "i must be crazy" in this weird tone, like a surprised tone and i was laughing for like 20 mintues, lol. both my sisters were telling me to shut it, but i have senority over them, so i kept laughing.

so anyway kiddies, i know ive only done a serious/educational article in like.......3 weeks. but i do promise to keep educating in anyway possible.

ok...ill go then. be happy!

Party Wounded - whoot!

2005-03-07T23:18:00.000-08:00

so congratulations to me - i had some action and fun in my weekend....

had mass amount of fun, beginning with my darling Jillian picking me up on sunday morning very ass early ((yes 7:30 for me to wake is very early!)) and drove the truck to her house, where she cleaned the floor and i lolled about and blew dryed my hair. her bud Jared came by, followed by a friend of mine. we hung out like lazy bitches and my bud left. the moment jillians family all showed up was when we thought it was the ripe hour for wine. lol. so wine was had by us, followed by snapple and voddy...mmm. we walked around the neighborhood and then i think an hour later my friend showed up and we all kinda lost the evening after that to a lot of voddy and smoke. yeah, fun night, you had to be there to fully appreciate such an experience.

hope you had a good weekend. PS i was home alone all night saturday...no one wanted to come play? also, im sorry for the tiny, meaningless entry, im soo tired!

i love having fun with my buds, good times

Jillian's Birthday

2005-03-04T02:43:00.000-08:00

i just want to say :::

Happy
Birthday to
My Beautiful Friend
Jillian!!!

wow, it seems like yesterday we were both young and cute and innocent. now were both non-innocent and having much more fun than we ever did. three cheers for maturity, right?

birthdays make me so happy!
even if it isnt mine!
:heart:

Laughing Fit Recovery

2005-03-03T02:35:00.000-08:00

falling on your own bed down on your face can make you laugh and is very fun...

i just made made myself laugh so hard...lol. i was getting on my bed, put a knee and then my hand on the bed and somehow, i let my hand out from underneath me and fell on my face on the bed, lol. it was like falling, but less dramatic cuz it was on the bed. i love when i laugh myself silly, it puts me in a good mood. yay.

ive been making my peoplegrade.com profile perfect tonight. its so entertaining to make html profiles, see how they turn out.

i realize that i havnt been doing as many serious and intelligent articles lately. i apologize, i just have been in a good mood, which means more sketching and art and less broody studying and deep thought. which means, less thought provoking articles for you. awe, poor neglected you. its ok, ill try to be a tiny bit more studious and broody so i can write up more beautiful articles. yay- we both win.

And God said the chicken shall cross the road.
And it did.
So there was much rejoicing.
-a random answer to the chicken joke i found

Bitty's Birthday - hazaa!

2005-03-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

guess what muh nikkas! its another birthday....

Happy Birthday
to my Best & most
fabulous girl,
Brittany!

we have known each other about ten thousand millenia, completing sentences, feeling each others pain and understanding every little flip of emotion. i love you so much! you keep me real, oh joy for that...

When we were little,
those people didnt like us....
well b*tches,
look at us now...
.
.

Web Action ((Now w/ more Pow!))

2005-03-02T02:22:00.000-08:00

Our youth has begun its culture: and its entirely web-based...

i am a memebr of Generation Y ((born 1985-2000))- at least i think thats what they finally decided to call us. there is web-culture, we are your techies, your webbies and we comprise most of this generation. we have picture sites ((fotolog.com/picturetrail.com)), we have blogs ((blogger.com/livejournal.com)), and we speak without vocal chords with instant messaging((aim/msn/yahoo)). we love our laptops and pcs like we love our kittens, our dear friends. we are inseperable. but my question is why?

i love being able to reach people with my words and ideals, making friends and showing people my eyes, which i love dearly. i love being able to learn things for free, and reading all day about art, or politics or even full novellas. do we love it because its adicting? do we love it because our brains have developed highly and therfore need active images and people that we can interact with. i hate the phone, so i IM my friends and fam. my fingers hurt from writing too much anyway, so i email people. now, i am a old fashioned girl in many ways. i sketch nonstop and i read a million books during the months. i knit ((if you tell anyone, ill kikc your bum)) and i sew lots of my own clothes to get exactly what i want, plus it keeps my mind active.
but still, i spend at least 5 or 6 hours a day on my laptop on the internet ((im lucky at the moment to have tons of free time, i dont have to get a job until next week)). i update, i talk and i write for this beautiful domain of mine. i take webcam shots and post them all over my various sites and logs.
on the internet i dont just do my seemingly pointless rambling, i read, i learn, i study. its the best f*cking resource in the entire universe....but alas, i think that maybe theres a downside for the future. were already so tapped into the net, maybe one day well all become sun-intolerant moles, ordering clothing and food from our computers...fearing the true civilization outside of their plastic box filled with micro chips and processors! ::insert manical laughter:: well at least i know i wont ::bites nails ::
for now, and i know for always, the internet is here, and is our greatest outlet for everything from communication to ordering a toilet if you needed to. well i say whoot for the internet and whoot for more intelligence in our lives. lets just pray AI doesnt really begin...then we are screwed, i tell you what...

she dreams in digital/cause its better than nothing/
now that control is gone/it seems unreal/
shes dreaming in digital
-Fiction by ORGY
.
.

The Pink Side: Bisexuality

2005-03-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

ok despite this entries obvious color change...i have a question on semi-homosexuality. what does being bisexual actually mean? are we a little bit gay, or are we just very sexual?

alrighty, i have been trying figure this out, as usual i will probably end up having to figure it out myself, since all my comment have been "great tits in your picture" (so i changed it! ahh hah!). so anyway. iam bisexual, which means i find some chicks hot and maybe would want to date them, but id still do the same with guys. but my question is: are we a little gay, or are we just very sexual?
now, i find so many things sexy, or hot, or everyother word for it. so why shouldnt women be one of them? were beautiful, we have beautiful soft lines to our bodies ((we should)), were emotional and loving, were intelligent and nonthreatening. sexual things are softer, slower and sweeter. as an artist, i draw tons of pictures of naked women, sketching or ink drawing or painting. it always seems like such a fluid thing to draw; hence, making women seem easily approachable to me. i am familiar with chicks - i have been one my entire life, lol. so does it seem so strange that women would want to touch each other and hold each other and maybe fall in love as women do with men?
my whole life, my mother has told me that being open to things is the best possible way to live, but now im even more open minded than her. the country is starting to lessen its pressures, because out generation is growing up open minded and changing the surface. there is still ahte and discust, but there alweays will be when small minded people still live ((and they always will)).
i think that if it is in someones power to make themselves happy, and enjoy life and sex and have love, then they should do it. as long as pain is consentual during sex((ie- cutting, bloodplay etc.)), then i think that anyone should be able to do it.
so if liking chicks as well as guys makes me somewhat gay, then im gay. whatever, as long as i know what makes me happy, and you know what makes you happy, its all cake.

"aaaaaaand they kissed by the light of the moooooon..."
-old song my grandma use to sing

Questions + Award Show Idiocy

2005-02-28T18:00:00.000-08:00

Hey all - i have some questions, quite random and maybe strange...my answers are in baby blue...

* is weed really that bad? should it be illegal?
*how do people actually come to think that george w. is a good leader? :: shoots herself ::
*why do people get all pissed about babies crying in a restaurant or store or something?
*why do people wear those pointless masks on the airplane? :: asperates dust and dies ::
*why do men think that women only want to talk and buy shoes? this is complete bullshit
*why are teenage boys such assholes?

ok im done with the question stampede, lol. well - i am very bored, and i guess youre starting to get pretty bored with my beautiful site. so sad, maybe ill actually sleep tonight and give you something worthwhile to read? ehh?

*why do people watch award shows, and pre award shows and post award shows? i swear, 15 channels were all doing that red carpet bullshit for 4 hours straight. wtf, i hate when people have to know about celebritys and their lives and what their wearing and their childrens names. why do i care whats going on in some rich actresses life when im trying to live my own? thats right, i dont care. and neither do people with half a brain. STOP WATCHING AWARD SHOWS GOD DAMN IT!!!!
ok, my rage is gone, lol. nah, i just simply dont see the point nor a purpose to such knowledge. its all crap.

well im still reading The Science of Vampires by Dr.Kathrine Rumsland, ive just been too bored and too bust drawing and trying to figure out where to work. im also starting Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

"champagne wishes and caviar dreams"
.
.

2005-02-26T02:13:00.000-08:00

>> click picture for large view <<

oh my god....i died from the sheer awesomeness of this artist. i love this site too, such a cool....((pretend i never said this word))manga. ok yes i said it, ok yes i like manga. so anyway, here is the url - http://www.nelshael.com/en/ so enjoy the fab art, i go sleep now. zzz zzz zzz

Mmm, Sleepy Thoughts

2005-02-25T22:37:00.000-08:00

alright, so i thought that i would ramble about what is currently on my mind...

i am so tired, but i thought i would post, because the picture of my ring was making the site look like a jewelry store, it being the only thing visible in the window at first glance, lol.

so anyway - i am trying to plan for my webcomic that i hope will happen. and feeling quilty about my novel which is at a hault. <<>>

but right now my mind is jumping all about - so much going on inside. im lonely, and in physical pain from my damned fibro. im desperately longing for something positive to happen...so i can make myself start the gears so something can begin in my life. i had high hopes for working at a day care, but it requires more than 5 months training unless you dont mind only being paid $3 an hour. so ill prob get a retail job. ack

whatever, but i need someone to play with to queit my mind...and other things as well. ((or least a good, blood wakening slap to the face))

save me!!! eep!!!

birthday post-post -haha

2005-02-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

haha, i love word play, so entertaining...

so this is the post to share my "special day" with you. it starred me, jillian(best friend of 10 yrs), mom, auntie denana, shari and alexis (sharis daughter), oh and also a small apearance from johnny.

so after spending a million years in rainy traffic, we got to the "best thai restaurant san diego has to offer". and sat down (me, jillian, mom and shari). alexis came like 20 min later, followed by deanna like 30 min later. so we had a great dinner of a million wonderful thai foods and then magically, the waiters turn up with fried bananas and cocnut ice cream! oh joy, lol. so the ENTIRE (i kid you not) restaurant sang to me and then i opened presents from jillian, shari and deanna, followed by the best amethyst, diamond and platinum ring ever from my mom. ((ill post a pic)). it was insanely raning after dinner so we ran through the rain, me and shari huddled under the umbrella and jillian running closely in front of me, and mom and alexis running wildly through the rain. they opened the car, but mom somehow forgot to unlock my door and i got wetted on, lol. shari like was in a puddle up to her calves, lol and she had my mom pull away from the curb sop she could get in thecar, lol. hilarious if you were there. not to mention us accidentally ending up right behind deannas car, with johnny accidentally and magically behind us, lol. it was magick.
we went to the Kingston Coffee House and had coffee and my fudgy brownie cake thingi made and i met this awesome man, he was a toxicologist and he got the whole coffee house singing, lol. he gave me a tangerine from his own tree, i think he was God. (i am really serious about that, it was very weird, and me and jillian both thought we knew him from somewhere.) he gave me all this advice about sticking with my forensic college ajenda cuz its an awesome job. so i think i met god on my birthday, the 22nd of february, 2005.

so there you have it, my favorite birthday so far in my somewhat small life. ill post pictures when i get my film back and i can share the magick with you all. lol, but ill post a pic of my ring right now.

happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
glad youre not dead Cami,
happy birthday to you...

Obedience

2005-02-21T12:58:00.000-08:00

what does it mean to obey, to submit? is it always just sexual?

there are many sexual manifestations of obedience and punishment that people explore. i was trying to think about why someone would find this appealing, if there were any occurences in ones life that made them like this type of sexual play.

ive read some books on this having felt this all in my little mind, so it was kind of freaking me out, i read about it ((as always)). i dont find anything wrong with any type of sexual play, as long as its semi-safe and enjoyable for all the people envolved. nothing shocks me, as you all should know, but i am a little flustered when i start thinking of what im into...that is probably why ive remained in my little black vic. clothes and let myself be different. maybe internally, we want to be different in all ways if we think we have some perversion to our minds. but like finds like, so thats a good thing...

so back to the obedience, some people are extreme with it, like the puppy and horsie play people. and some are just mildly experimenting with it, your parents in their bedroom w/handcuffs.

either way, its all the same thing; relinquishing control and yourself and giving into your sexual side..maybe its a way to let go of pain too? not having the pressures of your life as you give into a side of you that doesnt feel like yourself. to stop being just drab you with all the stress and to a person who knows their carnal needs...and wont say no.

"bow down before the one you serve/
youre going to get what you deserve" - NIN, head like a hole

go ahead,

spank your naughty little girl,
you keep her in line...
.
.

Concert Molestation

2005-02-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

Yeah joyful for you, right? im thinking of my birthday which is tomorrow

- yay, i think. i always an so jaded about when things happen, like me moving to california, and absolutely every occurance that happens to me. its like i dont know things happen and i just let myself live and be pulled along, like a puppy being led on a leash. yeah, very weird.

i went to a concert on friday night with my good friend Ashley whom i have known forever ((if forever is since 4th grade)). it was at Soma, its like a punk and rock venue kinda downtownish. lol dont worry if youre not geographically knowledgable of san diego california. we saw The Matches, From First to Last and the band i went to see; Motion City Soundtrack. yeah it was lovely, except for being sweaty and my feet hurting from standing on 6 inch lace up heels, lol. there was some audience squishing, HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT OCCUR!?. its like people pushing you together and around, how does this happen? but, good concert, though it wasnt my fav type of tunes, it was something to do.

so ill just say bye bye as i lie on my bed in boy cut undies and thinking that i will have fun on my birthday, even if i have to slap myself. lol

the Distillers' singer makes
my throat hurt
...that poor girl
.
.

Birthday Alert

2005-02-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

I thought this may be a cause for a news bulletin....

my birthday is now in only 3 days!!!

yeah joy and jubilation. ok, you can f*ck off now....

yeah,
i may be a tiny bit lame but i get to see MCS in concert tonight,
na na na naa na!

Webcomix

2005-02-17T09:27:00.000-08:00

I have been reading tons of webcomix lately, and so i got a great idea for my own...

it would be called Shadowgirl, obviously, and it would feature ((no not me, im not that vain)) Shadowgirl and the conflict with the Unseen Judging Voice, lol. ex is below my last post. UJV is like a representation for society at large and her mother, and all the judging bitches that always like to screw with people like me....i really started concept drawing tonight...it would be funny to actually start it up, become more internet-famous.

well tomorrow i start calling all the daycare places that i got from the phone book last weekend. ive decided its tomorrow, because theres absolutely nothing going on. i really would love to get a job at one of these places, i wont work at another restaurant in my life, and retail is too small minded. but i love little children, and the places i found are all like Gymboree places ((like little gyms for kids, they jump around and get tired, lol)). so itll be cute to be able to play with kids all day long. plus its so much better than working with bitchy adults being anal about where they sit to eat.lol

bought a new bikini today..pink and black naturally. why am i obsessed? god knows, but black with a hint of pink is so damn sexy.

peace, love and bud smoke
- cuz hippies dont fuck up anything
* you gotta love the hippies, haha *
.
.

Animal Anecdote Provocateur

2005-02-15T23:26:00.000-08:00

ok when i was a little girl, i was growing up in washington dc, near all that old colonial time historical stuff....

i memorized all the animal anecdotes the parents would tell their children back then so they would learn things. they had different topics like manners and warnings about strangers and lessons against lying. i thought they were so cool, they caught children's minds and made them remember. i still think about stories like the gingerbread man and the colonial one about a crow and another animal ive forgotten ((heys its been a little more than a decade since i was that young)). so like a month back i needed a little quip for the bottom of my "darkness?" article, i came up with this-

so the snake said to the swallow;
"be careful my friend, my bite is quite harsh, i shall not venture forward to cause your discontent."
and the swallow smiled and said;
"but my dear, what i am searching for is in your bite."

i can just imagine a little swallow smiling oh-so-provocativ' at the snake...sexy minx. lol, but i mean it kind of embodies all my childhood facinations with little animal anecotes. so there you have it, i thought that it deserved its own damn post, lol.

unseen judging voice - naughty naughty shadowgirl, all you think about is sex!
shadowgirl - :: shrug :: , and this is bad because?......
UJV - :: sigh :: i fucking give up

Life Soundtrack

2005-02-15T23:21:00.000-08:00

Some music can make people jump around all excited and other people have music to slit their little emo wrists to...music is moody, and so are humans.

We all have that song, that probably isnt cool, that makes us all happy and makes us dance in our panties ((or boxers)) using something sticklike as a mic. lol. yeah i have to admit mine is techno....i wont say which song because then i would have to puke a little from embarrasment ((im so sexy, no?)). below are my scenes, - my picks are in blue below them -

so imagine youre sitting in a gothic type bedroom with a ton of blood red silk dripping from everywhere and candles are all stuck in carved out shelves in the stone walls and youre sitting on a window seat looking at the glowing moon - what song do you hear?
:: phantom of the opera - music of the night - sarah brightman::

imagine youre having the best sex of your life, the kind that makes you put your hands on your lovers face and pull their lips to yours as you make gutteral noises...maybe something extra naughty and dark is involved - what music do you hear?
:: qotd soundtrack - cold - static x ::

imagine that your wearing black stockings with a lace garter belt and stripping off your clothes slowly and saucily for your guy, your clothes falling in a pool at your feet clothed in knee length heeled leather boots, biting your lips and throwing your head back with huge provocative smiles - what music do you hear?
:: emotive - counting body like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums - a perfect circle ::

thats whats i thought people....naughty people. lol i seriously encourage you to find those songs and listen the info is like this
:: album - song title - artist name :: see? now you wont be confused, lol.

music has such a power over out energies, our passions...play some hard rock with a high level bass beat and youll probably want to f*ck your chick or guy, not make love like you would if classical was on. well most people anyway. but you have to admit, it was a good article idea, right?

dont let the music sway you/
i listen to rock sounds/
but ill love you like your lost prince/
white horse and all"
-:: broken up - lost prince - final cut ::

Proud Gift + Abandonment

2005-02-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

Today is "random bullshit day", thats right. So hushy and take it like a good little reader.

i really love older guys. its the maturity, self assuredness and calm -im sure- that does it for me.

when my mother feels bad for me or is proud of me, she buys me things. today she got me one of those chairs that is fabric that sits on a frame that only holds it up on the four corners...i dont know what theyre called. but i have wanted one of these damn chairs since i was 12, lol. so you gotta love my mom, even if she is smothering and thinks i have "an insatiable lust for older guys and dont think it through with my best judgement". lol....besides that, she has a self denial of the belief in her mind that im a lusty vixen ((btw- thats just a sweet term for the word "slut")). though i really am not......right? right. haha

i feel kind of abandoned by someone, i wont say who, they know who they are...and im doing an ok job of doing the shutting out thing. life goes on, and i dont need others to remain happily alive or know i can love. the key is on the wall...it isnt mine obviously. -dont worry if you dont get that...its meant for only one person-

so there is my personal contribution
to my little bucket of
shadowgirl thoughts for today

Happy F♥ckin Hearts Day

2005-02-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

Bonjour - holy hell, its already Valentines Day? WTF. Wheres a boy when its expected of you?

so anyway it is VALENTINES DAY and i have no valentine, except my mom, who took me to sushi to cheer me up. yeah as i was wandering aroung wal mart waiting for her to do her mommy shopping thing, i became increasingly depressed. i have no clue why, maybe seeing valentines day stuff or maybe just being alone in such a huge "mecca of bargins" freaked me out. i am alone, i have no boyfriend, i have no one to play with, no sex, no chocolate, so kisses. very sad for poor shadowgirl. :: weep:: i think that on valentines day we expect that we should have someone to share our love with, and if not that ((in my case)) then someone to share whats in our panties with. ((what!? i have carnal needs too. hmmph)) so fuck valentines day, fuck chocolate and bring on a guy for me to play with dammit!!!!

ack ack ack - with that said, the audio post below this one was made by my sister Steph, who gives you all her info, lol. she also sings her little songy sounding bit thats reads"cora is a bitch, michelle is a bitch" , you know its extremely entertaining to tell your younger siblings to say naughty words they know theyre not allowed to say. yeah, i should be old enough by now to know that isnt funny nor a mature thing to do, but it does make me and my other sister Nicole laugh our little bums sore. so thats me at the end saying "dear god" yeah i do sound older in it than normal, weird.

Marilyn Manson is such a stand up guy. yeah, interesting statement right? but i do love his persona and his music, and the fact that all of his songs make me want to strip dance doesnt hurt my opinion of him either. hehe. mmmmmm

i love when you take off your pants from a day of public wandering and your shirt and panties match perfectly, so you just continue your day in your panties and shirt. lol yeah today is odd random thoughts day i suppose...

on my launchcast radio, they keep playing fucking ashlee simpson...its very odd especially since ive told the damn thing to stop playing her as an artist...and another odd thing is that the majority of the bands i have listed for play are like hard rock and screamo. please poke my eyes out with a fork??? please???

only 7 days until my birthday!!!!!! i was hoping by now id have met a guy who would want to take me out for my birthday, i mean i have been in cali for 2 weeks. but theres more to life than sex, love and romance(?)

"i mean, im really not into easy girls...ok?"
-Loserz webcomic
.
.

My Sister sings "The Bitch Song"

2005-02-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

Im Home?!

2005-02-11T06:30:00.000-08:00

Wow, lifting big huge comfy chairs makes you fall on your bum, or mine at least.

im home, but in a weird way. im all the way across the country from where my "real life" is((though it was no life at all)). i have spent the past 2 days being a very home minded, mentally organized and furniture lifty chick. moving pretty much a whole apartments furniture is quite the ordeal & U-haul trucks are a pain in the butt and smell like sweaty camels ((but thats beside the point)). my room has white walls :: screams for a consecutive hour at a high pitch :: , and not that much furniture, but at least i have myself, my laptop and music. the walls are pretty thin though, dont really dig that, but thats Cali construction for you. I mean how am I going to conduct my booty calls with cable guys without the neighbors finding out that im a terrible slag? hahahahahahaha! oh god, just kidding. really, im kidding.

so i have a little dresser, a double bed and my wooden + iron cask from home. plus i brought two picture frames from home and a bunch of pics to make a collage. also have some books and a chair. my blades have their own wall to lean on, lol. but it has a good feel, im going to go buy some posters and a dyed blanket thing to hang on the wall behind my bed. itll all be cake by next week. i havnt a lamp, but im known for my dark loving nature, so thats cake too. haha

note that im switching posting times starting now to california/west coast time. i know, its depressing to actually forfeit and say im stuck in cali for long enough to have to switch the time on my laptop. :(

"displacing oneself from their peaceful place
takes an iron will and a strong,
knowledgable soul."
-me
.
.

Auctioneers Scare Me

2005-02-08T23:39:00.000-08:00

Yes this ^^ is quite a true statement...

well today, went to this public auction - there was lots of stuff. so i really hate having to hear auctioneers do that babbling thing, that continuous mumbling bullshit at varying tones. plus doesnt it seem as if there are like more perverty guys at auctions ((if you have ever been to an auction))?.

well enough with the mundane everyday life stuff ((which i hate writing about by the way)). i read the book the Virgin Suicides, by Jefferey Eugenides. lovely book, though i wish i had read the book before watching the movie, sometimes its very different, where some segments are exact, done to the punctuation of the sentences. but its so cool, great book, awesome grammar and phrasing ((a must for me)). great characters also, easy to recognize with and feel for.

so anyway i shall tip off and go to bed, maybe read one of my newly bought ayn rand novels. check you all later.

missing a love falls to the
wayside when one is faced with
incalcuable pain.
-me
.
.

California Girl Once Again

2005-02-06T16:18:00.000-08:00

I am currently back in california...yes, the infamous point of origin. hey! maybe thats why i turned out so rebellious...

hahaha. yeah,went apartment shopping the other day. found one. and theres a shopping center rather close so i can get a job and blade to it. very good.

but my sisters are great, we went to dinner last night and had fun, theyre in the hotel right now, im about to take them to Starbucks((like sooo totally Cali!)). well, ill check back in later tonight people. much love.

"Is a pineapple like related to those red apples?"
-real cali girl humor, really, im serious

Da Da Daaa!

2005-02-03T22:13:00.000-08:00

Bonjour - i have been gone so very long, first time online in about 3/4 of a week.

i feel so so lonely, i dont understand how i can be so lonely. im thinking about my flight to cali on saturday morning very early at the dawn, and i feel like i actually might have fun once im there. ill get to bud and party with my bud Jillian + find my best friend Brittany, but not greg ((greg if youre reading this, i exile you, unless you call me and admit to your bastardness)). ill have to work full time to raise a couple grand for my move to college world up north. ill get to be with my tiny sisters and see all my old people from HS life in suburbia :: vomits :: .

ok im feeling much randomness at the moment and im not sure what to talk about. i dont really feel like being profound like usual, i dont feel like spilling my guts and crying....i think im un my solid place, a sort of middle ground where im just me, and im just ok, nothing more or less. but ok is better than my normal bad. :: sigh :: though i do know im feeling extremely sexually frustrated. hmmm, poor me.

i sewed a shirt from black ((naturally)) velvet ((of course)), maybe ill post a pic wearing it. its sort of off the shoulder, v neck thing, with a v in the back as well. i sewed a sort of brest bodice, with a center stitch on each breast and tried to square the neckline, but i had to cut the straps shorter because the neckline was actually beneath my breasts, lol. not exactly a look im going for. i always try to make the shirts i stitch myself to be very long, because i have a long torso and any shirt i buy always seems to short. but then the shirts i make always seem to be a little less than long, but not short. :: sigh:: im working on developing better skills at measuring and making patterns, versus just diving in the way i do, because i either ruin the peice, or i have to alter it, lol. but note to everyone, i make shirts because there isnt a lot of choice for alt stuff, plus i see some shirt i like on tv or in a movie and ill want it.

sewing is my friend,
but not incorrect thread tension,
no.
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Darkness?

2005-01-29T23:17:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking about what "darkness" really means...

As i lie here in my black, curtained bed, in my pink wife beater and braided pigtails, i realize how many different facets to darkness there are. you could be a yellow sweater and satin ribbon wearing brunette who always smiles and in polite but has a masochistic streak, and blood drives her wild. i would prefer to say that either we hide our darkness or we welcome it and show it off. i like to show mine off, it helps me find others who are similar. little miss ribbons may not be so lucky as to have a bit of a rogue gene like i, so she hides it. she dreams idly as she is the perfect doll. many online know me as "darksilkbabydoll" or simply "Babydoll" or "The Babydoll". i think that i have a feminie grace, along with my little leather boot wearing tendencies. ((if you are a close and physical friend, you will know i favor wearing my black tweed skirt that has lace at the bottom paired with my knne high leather boots and a leather belt with a chain hanging along the hip)) ive decided that im not going to ignore all the sooty seeming tendencies that emanate from my brunette brain.

darkness can be found in sexuality, fashion ((though i hate the fucking word)), cult culture, personalities, tendencies. they can be very extreme((goth sex/blood play)) and they can be mild ((leather boots)) but i think that if the ones among us are truly dark, none of it would shock of scare. nothing seems to scare or shock me, while talking to a chick friend the other day, sex came up ((as it inevitably does)) and i asked her what was the dirtiest thing she considered in sex, + if she had done it or would ever((this also comes up quite regularly with me)). she said something about having sex at the restaurant she was working at, during her shift, in the pie freezer in the kitchen. i kept saying "uh huh?" expecting more - there was none. i am fairly young, and nothing shocks me ALREADY.::laughing:: Is it my mentality, or is the wicked world that i was spawned into that "warped my fragile little mind"?

my mother broke down the other day as i fitted my tongue stud with a new black o-ring barbell. she does this about once every 2 or 3 months, she asks me how i got dark. "you were always such a sweet little feminine girl, barbies, and pink and everything, so queit and cute". i tell her evey time that i guess i just turned out to like what i like because of my genetic make up. i simply have no idea how i got this way, or why i am the way i am ((im not even technically "gothic")). i do know that it is deeply rooted ((though i wont get into the details)). why are other people not dark? how do they not fined my music appealing, or my style of dress? i havnt the slightest notion my dears.

for everyone, there is a different concept of darkness and the point of no return, so to speak, whre they would never venture past. for me, thats getting into the drug scene, that is just not a fab idea, no matter what your stand point on the issue. that is my stopping point. other than that, im ok with everything ((with the exception of things that do not come to my mind at this time)).
wheres your dark spot? do you have one? do you want to play? lol, just kidding. but just keep in mind that our race is one, in this modern time, of indulgence and gluttonous passion. we all have our little bad bits....will you play with yours? or are you too rooted in your current day-to-day blah?

"so the snake said to the swallow:
'be careful my friend, my bite is quite harsh.
i shall not venture forward to cause your discontent.'
and the swallow smiled and said
'but my dear, what i am searching for is in your bite...' "
-me
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Psychoanalyzation + Drugs

2005-01-29T01:20:00.000-08:00

Does psyhotherapy impact our minds and our decisions? Is it healing?

i have been in therapy since i was about in 3rd grade, not because i was crazy, but because my mother thought that it would be good for me due to her merital problems were starting to effect me and my recent bout of being haunted by violent ghosts ((a different tale for a different day)), now im in it because she just wants someone who is smarter than herself ((ie- a degree)) to tell her that im safe and better than the week before and i wont kill myself, or become increasingly more disturbed and unsettled mentally ((in otherwords, go back to the way i was about.....3/4 of a year ago)).

people say that some therapy may be preventative. that they begin it before problems are seen in an individual during a trying time, to avoid the seemingly inevitable damage. but there will always be problems, if not about what you meant it to be for, then something else. which brings up the matter, what level of mental dischord merits psychotherapy?

people seeking help go with the idea that drugs will be given to help them and they can continue to go on with their daily tasks, in this way many people use these pills and feel a numbing placebo effect. but with me, its been me trying to help myself without drugs:

A. I try to be a purist, so i dont ingest chemicals

B. drugs are a money leaching conspiracy fueled by the government

C. i dont see myself taking pills that, will in physical retrospect, damage me and also make me think that im fine when nothing has actually been done and the problems still exist.

all that drugs did to/for me in the past were three things, they made me sick, they made me more suicidal than i was before i took them and they made me not be able to function mentally, i had no thinking capability on my normal philosophical level. that really scared me that i couldnt read a book without drifting off or i couldnt pick up a pen and have mind set as i usually did, and be able to write an article as i am doing now. and to not be myself so much made be fearful and weak, and very worried, and therefore, more depressed.

i feel that drugs do help many people, phizophrenia, bipolarity, anxiety ((although my anxiety wasnt helped)), depression ((again, wasnt helped)), violence disorders. but some peoples chemisty is different, like mine and i wasnt supported by it, it hurt me.

im still left with the burning question of if counseling works. for many people who are too depressed or too crazy, they are out of reach, but there are still some of us sitting sadly on the fence who can be helped, and have been helped. for me, a psychologist touched me and told me there was help and love in her, and that she wanted me to survive because of my mind, and my heart and my loving disposition that she knew that i would help people too, as she did ((soooo her words, i wouldnt be so positive about myself and mean it)).
for some people it will, and some people it wont. but nothing is impossible and certainly its all perspective of rationality and intelligence that would let you put down your walls to have someone else in your head to help unfuck you.

"so lets go further into this,
can you tell me how this made you feel?"
-psychologists all over the world
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Prime Intellect - novel link

2005-01-29T00:25:00.000-08:00

"The Metamorphosis of Prime Intellect." is a novel by Roger Williams, and I am in love.

I am in the mindset that this man is an extremely giving and intelligent person. his novel is online, and for another step, he lets you download it ((you can also buy the soft-cover directly from him...and he'll sign it)).

its a book that involves Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics in a computer with unlimited capabilities of intelligence and material manipulation that was loosed on the world and subsequently eliminated all pain, death and want. it turned out to be an apparently bad thing to some people, including the now helpless creator and catalyst + a woman dying who the computer first sees after aquiring the ability to move and create things in the physical world. so i most definately think this is a must read and i am highly recommending it. ((although i thought at the end it would turn somewhat into a twisted situation, it didnt however, to my disapointment)) but it is such an awesome read, really i actually stayed up 23 hours straight because i refused to go to sleep, but then i had to go to an appointment at 10 and couldnt sleep. so read the fabulous novella, and marvel at Mr. Williams.

this is where the the novella can be reached - http://www.kuro5hin.org/prime-intellect/mopiidx.html

"In the best possible future,
there will be no war, no famine,
no crime, no sickness, no opression,
no fear, no limits, no shame
...and nothing to do.
-Roger Williams
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Quickened Spirits - quote

2005-01-27T00:09:00.000-08:00

"daylight consumes us, and the night envelopes us, our eyes wander and our mind expands - we are alive, we are in a quickening of spirit..."

just another lovely quote from the miss that loves her lit. lol that by the way is from my novel, love it. is that egotistical? hey, its my little world, so i guess its not that bad. ::wink::

words are bits of fire
in the minds of
the knowledgable
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Forever

2005-01-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

In our modern world, does forever really mean "forever" anymore?

does forever mean for all eternity to most, or just for a while? i have been trying to make sense of my species for such a long time that i find too many differeneces in myself from them. like i hold to my promises and i dont lie, and i am not fake or material. ive decided that i, my love and my friends will always be the sub-species of intelligencia, not just sub-par humans. lol maybe thats a it over board, but back to the subject at hand -

so when i say forever, i mean until no blood runs in my veins and my fleshly body grows cold with death and my soul is no longer on this dreadful plane, and beyond. what does forever mean to you? if as just fleshly beings, we step back and add our oath to our words, then things would be a lot better in our world. ::again i go into mega-preaching-hippie-mode, look out ::

things would get done, less people would suffer and our race would be truer and finer. forever would mean my definition to everyone else on our planet, the perilously surviving third rock from the sun. so before you say forever, think if you mean it - only thr truest of declarations should emit from your mouth.

"forever is
an undeterminable thing
...unless you have seen your path."
-me
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The Science of Vampires - book review

2005-01-25T22:05:00.000-08:00

Muahaha! << literature passion)). I have my much aniticipated and waited for book:
The Science of Vampires by Dr. Katherine Ramsland....

ok so this book is showing how vampire can be put into perspective as reall beings in our world. it explains all the different types ((psychic, physical, mythical and theres one more which i have forgotten)) and how they can be seen as real in our world. she starts the book by defining a vampire, very lovely. and they also have parts which talk about physical blood addiction, "the mental disorder" of thinking oneself is a vampire, and what goes on in the mind of a vampires victim during on assualt on their lives. ((note that my bible for vamps has always been anne rice, which is much the case for this woman who wrote this book, she even wrtoe the companion to rice's vampire chronicles, and her official biography. alright, so i am assuming that this woman is much like me ((she has a masters degree in forensic psychology and has done csi work)) were driven, and intelligence seeking chicks, who love vampires. i do have to say for me that i no longer think of wanting to be a vampire, so much as being enamored with the passion and strange violence and sexuality that they have been descrbed to have. i also know its a tortured and perhaps sad existence, and i mourn forthem in that way. i respect things and powers that i do not enhabit...which is why i think im a happy pagan, i am gentle with what i do and am thankful for the little things i acheive. but anyway, getting off topic.

in the book, she also goes into explaing the polysexual nature of the vampire ((in the way that she has them envisioned and researched)). her basic search is origin, the cause of immortality and all of the chemical reactions and such that are experienced with transfer of blood. being a scientist, this book is not her trying to de-bunk vamps, shes finding a place in science and reality for them. which i of course love, because i believe is faeries, vampyres and unicorns.

so i do think i love this book, although all i have done is reasearch it extensively and read the first 6 pages ((ive been busy!)) i reccomend it to my like minded alt cultists, so to speak, but i think that if you havnt a mind for scientific meanings and large words, pick up the same sort of book, but it uses mythology to find vampyres real instead of science, its by a man with the last name of Curell (cant remember title). so buy the book and get edumacated. haha

"blood...the fiery liquid fuel for the nocturnal soul."
/My in-progress novel

The Hush After the Test Storm

2005-01-25T20:47:00.000-08:00

Hello all - im fortunatly back from the place of sunlight and exhaustion....

so i did both my days of diploma tests, on the 24th and 25th. i was proud in that i breezed through both said hours of tests, and was always the first one done, and always by at least 50 minutes. ahh hah! i win! its been my little competition with the rest of the world to always be done with tests first, but it was never and is never hard to deliver on. ive always loved tests and school and all that stuff, the only thing tht kept me from normal hs was the physical abuse suffered on me by the colored and ethnic people of the school((also vain preppy bitches)). but anyway, so yeah i think i even did pretty spectacular on the math, probably only 3 or 4 wrong, but im hoping less. i had to write a 300 word, 5 paragraph essay on this very bland very expected topic:
"What is a modern day invention that you could not see yourself successfully living without?". of course my answer was simple, my laptop.

my mom kept asking me all day (( as we were running from the academy of learning to lunch, to my dental hygienist to home)) .... "arent you excited that youre all done? arent you just like so proud of yourself that this is all done?" and of course i smiled and nodded accompanied by some "yeah, im very happy" 's , but she got like really confused that i wasnt like jumping up and down happy like she would be. reason: i am so much more low key than my mother and she doesnt understand not everyones happiness has to be on a level comparable with an X dropper. lol me and my little sister nicole are the same, we do get happy, but we wont like freak out and jump around for the same reasons as my mother, well need much more. but it serves as mild entertainment, so mostly we dont mind her bugging, lol. {{ad the fact that my mother was also raiseed all her life in the valley and she was a total plastic chiclet - easier to understand?}}

so anyway, yes i am very happy that my tests are done and i no longer have to worry about my high school thing - for i took an advanced placement diploma test! haha you see my glory! lol. ((see, that was sort of energetic, lol, i can do it if i want to))

UPDATE: 2-20-05 - I passed, with high level honors! only 3 wrong in Math and1 wrong in Social Studies. go but tests are damn easy, and i have been tested for IQ, so it was a breeze.

xx please let me score 800, 7 times xx

Finalizing my High School Escape

2005-01-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

tomorrow at 6 am i have to wake up for my final diploma test...

whoot, i think, all i know is that there will much coffee to be had, and much gagging from anticipated stress. but i do know ill pass. the only thing is that i will be in this testing room for 8 hours total, 4 hours in each monday and tuesday morning. plus add pain to brain leakage, i have a dentist cleaning session right after my final day's test, lol. oh well.

so anyway, just saying goodnight while i still have the chance to fall asleep before 3 am, lol.

suffer the little children...
well no more for me.
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Humanism

2005-01-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

Why does no one care anymore?

on the forum i occupy, there was a girl asking how to hide her cuts and marks from cutting because she swims on the team at her school, and everyone was like "oh youre so selfish, think about the bacteria youre spreading through your cuts to the pool water!"

i wanted to slap them - so so so stupid. obviously this girl was reaching out for recognition through her self mutilating ways. she wanted to be told that cutting wasnt neccesary ((though i dont encourage attention for angsty teens looking for pity)), but instead she was just lectured about bacterial biology and pretty much just told she was stupid and inconsiderate. i do admit, spreading bacteria in a pool is not a good thing, but i mean the simple fact that the people jumped directly to it pissed me off.

-------------------------------------------

so my question is this - why does no one give a fuck about their common human?

i really dont know how to being to even asnwer theorhetically. but i looked up a poll that they did in the streets of 5 major american cities. this was the question - "if you were in a hostage situation, would you try and maybe give your life to save yourself and others?" a whopping 91% said NO. yeah, they said NO. :: slaps humanity :: that means that only 9% of america would try to do something to save themselves and others, rather than die like sheep.

:: sighs :: these are the topics with which i am occupying my partial thoughts. i really wish my blog reached more than roughly the 59 people that read it daily. but such is life...

""a little sheep wanders
around manhatten, money in hand::
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Overuse of the word "Existentialism"

2005-01-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

Ok so basically, i have lately noticed that the majority of smart people, (including but not limited to - writers, political femos, bookies and general debaters) over use the word "existentialism".

i have tried to sit back at parties and tried to seem like a good little book-bitch while listening to people bring up existentialism. basically if used, it just means that whom ever is using it -in a random way- is using it to make themselves seem like an intelligencia. not very swift darling, i can see up your skirt.

the sentence begins "now existentialism is something our world is lacking." mm hmm - well i actually would believe has this been used during a conversation about people taking responsibility for their own bullshit. ie - me at a political debate party before the ill-fated election. ( a note on that - i didnt want either to win, i was hoping that any minute something terribly wrong would happen and they would declare the US an independently governing country, lol, in my fondest dreams, i know))

so anyway, i will relate to you now(my very sweet and soon to be enlightened friends), the very true and very dictionary meaning of existentialism -

existentialism n : (philosophy) a 20th-century philosophical movement; assumes that people are entirely free and thus responsible for what they make of themselves [syn: existentialist philosophy]

so be good, be smart and dont use words out of context. ((and dot your i's))

::this has been a public service announcement
brought to you by
the shadowgirl ((lovely, isnt it?))
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Genius in Silence

2005-01-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

'The true genius shudders at incompletness - and will usually prefer silence to saying something
which is not every it could be."

i love that quote, so great. and so prefectly true.....love love love it.

being smart in our society
has become novel
- how sad
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Sex Color Profile

2005-01-20T21:38:00.000-08:00

Ok so i took this is from a test a friend gave me the link for, these are my colors. As if i didnt know already...

Black:
Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times.

Red:
People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

i dont like to make decisions,
id rather leave it up to him.
my hands are tied. he he
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Hoots + Whistles

2005-01-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

What is up with idiots whistling and shit from their cars?

i blade daily in my neighborhood, and rarely venture away from the residential streets...why? because of idiots whistling from their cars. im blading and then suddenly any idiot who has a car thinks they can say whatever disrespectful thing they want. as if, after hearing their bullshit, ill jump on their laps and ride them in thanks for their cat calls and "hey sexy baby" s. and then they get all pissy and rude after i flip them off, as if they didnt expect it.....ahhh

also quilty of this: most construction workers, a turkish postal worker, utility workers, septic tank guys, and a cop in weeki watchi florida. (dont question me, this is first hand testimony ((laughing)).

but really, to avoid this all women would have to wear bullshit baggy clothes and never wear makeup, nor let ourselves show our beauty. so what do we do? ((shrugs)) all i can say is "those bastards"...

"baby, i wanna do da thing!"
-im sure you do..
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Seething Memories.....

2005-01-19T23:55:00.000-08:00

when someone told me when i was 13 that i would have issues with sex and relationships because of being beaten by my father and then molested and on an on, i just shook my head, but i was afraid. but now its playing out to be true... should i be afraid?

why are we shaped by our pain?

i believe that more than anything, any emotion, we are shaped as humans by our pain and our suffering and our loss. we dont remember from our childhood as vividly the day we spent a day at the beach laughing and smiling as we do the first day our fathers raised a hand to us. i can promise that someone can remember in perfect detail the day they walked into the chapel containing their dead grandparents body rather than their 5th birthday party, though they both may have occured in the same year.

pain eclipses the sun and the laughter in most peoples minds....it is burned into them with seething branding irons and pokers. we cry out as we remember our hurt....and it remembers us.

i can see you,
do you want to see me?
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Books and the Higher Minds

2005-01-19T23:38:00.000-08:00

It feels as if i havnt posted for a very long time....

the truth is, i have been trying to keep busy during days where nothing is happening. and when nothing is happening, i sort of veg and let my fiery mind eat itself...which is not good for fiery minds. my brain has been let to eat itself for too long, so long in fact, that it took 3 hours to pick out one novel, an astrology book, and an into to kabbalah book in the book store. the book store is usually where i chill out and wander about picking up the 5 or 6 books that will keep me company for the next month. i will have all of the books within a half an hour and then just wander and think of what other things i should learn from the lovely texts.....

for a long time, books were my only help in all the life ending bullshit that was going on around me, and now theyre a sort of way i keep myself above others....iread books no one else has heard of, or cant read, or arent educated enough to read. books are what i had become and now what i seek to make me an entity apart from the media crazy world that i was thrown into.

its hard to imagine a world where everyone is looking for the next level of intelligence as opposed to the next media gossip or ridiculous reality show. its hard to imagine that everyone would nurture their minds and talents and strive to be better than what they are or were always meant to be. we live with beings who would rather be where they are forever rather than lift a finger or turn a page to change anything. i makes me feel like screaming, but i deal, and i read and i secretly laugh my loathing away...knowing in a self centered and slightly egomaniacal way (im good for admitting it, lol) that i am higher, and that i can belong with people who are intelligent and gifted and brightminded and not be looked down at....

"oh sweet love of literature
that binds me to higher minds."
-anonymous
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A Pale Romance, Poem

2005-01-17T20:10:00.000-08:00

Yes its about gothic sex......hushy

A Pale Romance

Two lithe creatures,
Falling swiftly through the night,
Dancing on the edge,
Of pure insane pleasure,
The skin of milk,
And raven hair,
Combined to be nothing,
Short of Angelic,
Floating gently,
Yet savagely,
Through a dream,
Which seems to most,
To be a nightmare,
Soft sounds,
Of the sweet damnation,
Locked from the eyes,
Of the ones who don't understand,
From black to red,
Back to white and pale,
Forever in this dance,
Of love and pain. -shadowgirl

gothic sex + gothic sex poetry
= happy panties
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2005-01-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

farther away shot...

2005-01-16T19:11:00.000-08:00

a fuzzy fuzzy shot of the sketch i did for my little sister on newsprint size sketch paper...a lot of the detail was lost to the webcame, but you get the basic lines...theres also a more detailed shot....

Horoscope = Truth

2005-01-16T18:54:00.000-08:00

January 14th, 2005 Pisces

Your thinking is quite clear today, and you will find that things in general are running quite smoothly today. Your watery perspective on everything is very much in line with where you need to be at this time. In other words, you are doing everything exactly right. Be yourself today and let other people adopt to your way of thinking. There is no need to keep hiding the truth of who you really are.

ok now i got a little frazzled by this horoscope because of my huge ideas for my future move and college etc, etc. but it really comfirmed for me what i knew all along, that im doing whats right and best for me, and also becoming my own person.

joy ja ja joy
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The Idolator's Trip - poem

2005-01-16T18:49:00.000-08:00

Heres a poem that i just wrote today after i imputted a bunch of old poems into my laptop:

The Idolators Trip

Give me my leave,
I dont care what you think,
Is right,
Or wrong,

It doesnt hurt me,
I know ill be fine,
Ill just have my fun,
And ill let you know when im done,

I wont leave forever,
Just for a while,
Ill come back,
But no longer your child,

No one knew Id be like this,
Not bad,
But just on the fringe,
With bats and needles,

Edgy little smart babydoll,
Indie lovely with the ruby smile,
Easily flitting from the candle to the smoke,
Cough cough,

Brand me with your name,
Take away the old,
I need to be far away,
From all mortal safety,

Shell let go,
I know she will,
And then ill be gone,
Truly gone, to never return. -Cami C*** (aka shadowgirl)

now despite what you may think, this poem doesnt have to do with drugs, a friend read it this afternoon and said she thought it had to do w/ drugs, but it isnt. its about self realization and taking control of myself and being what i know i am.

so kiss the sky
and pray for the worst.
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"The I Inside" - movie review

2005-01-16T01:02:00.000-08:00

Holy Shit - this movie just fucking got to me....

So this movie (and my first movie review in my new blog) is called "The I Inside" starring Ryan Philippe and Piper Perabo(the star of Coyote Ugly). its so fucking trippy, i shit you not, i sat on the couch cross legged with both hands on my knees with my head all craned forward for the last 40 minutes of this movie. i wont give it away but the thing on my directv info said- "A man awaking after a car accident suffers from amnesia as a side effect of the anesthesia and seems to develop powers of time travel."
ok yeah even I have to admit it sounds shitty, and i was going to shange the channel but i have respect for Ryan Philippe as an actor so i kept watching, besides i always let myself watch movies i think may be crap and they usually turn out pretty alright.
all i have to say is that it confuses the shit out of you, but in a massively awesome and freakish way. i like movies that deal with insanity and death and crazy stuff like conspiracy and this movie has all of the above. i really really really recommend to anyone who doesnt get easily confused by movies to watch this. its from 2004 so its new and your blockbuster will have it.

yeah, it made me cry & wet
myself a little...haha
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